I'm writing this on my phone. Okay some of it is actually with spoken word to cuz I hit that little microphone thing on the phone but hey that's pretty cool.
I am calling this one "Sad Slumps" because I'm not registered to say Depression, and I believe when it comes to sadness, or any emotion, even anger, we have different ways to cope.
For me, the longest time has been to beat myself over it. I talk myself out of so many things, even if it's things i might be good at, or bad at that would be funny to talk about.
I have had these waves growing up, I always had moments of despair and sadness, but always tried to hide it with comedy, but it's just a weird thing to say "I'm having problems fighting back"
It's hard finding something that works, and I tried, this includes writing, which I could claim to be alright at. But what good is writing without readers? What good is any project unless it's just for your own self? That has been the battle for so long, if I didn't take it out on me, it was this feeling of taking it out on people and things, to make yourself feel better...
But then, you try and surround yourself with positive, things you enjoy, and you realize, objects, things, they only make you happy when you give it meaning, if there is no meaning, what good is it?
Trying to fight negative, especially in a world as chaotic as ours, rarely brings out the best in people, I know there is good out there, I know there is positive, but often, it's just a feeling of doubt, in yourself, and in others.
For the longest time, I saw it in waves, the happy goes up, then down. The sad shows up, much like a storm, but not like the kind that has the rainbow, that crappy one that is just pounding of rain that barely gets you sleep. That kind.
And usually, I was really good at detecting when it shows up - middle of the month, week before birthday, August 27th (I have no idea why that specific date either). At first I thought it was creative crashes.
I love writing and telling jokes, but when I crash, it isn't a writers block, it's like a writer's Mac truck, slamming right into you... And no way to prevent it.
But over the years, I realized it wasn't the lack of ideas, it's the off-balance
SO THAT'S WHY I CREATED THIS TRIANGLE:
I think when it comes to my life, at least in terms of my goals and needs, these are the three that I focus on the most.
Social - Friends, Love, etc. I think I'm pretty bad at love. Not because I'm incapable, but because that doubt of "people are saying this to make you feel better" or just out of pity. This is stuff with friends, if they invite me to things, mostly I say no, not because I hate them or their event, but it's given the other two situations. It makes me feel terrible, but also the anxiety kicks in of "you have no friends because of this"
Creative - I could say "Day Job" as well to this, so I'll put it here too, but mostly it's projects. I want to write something, or come up with an idea, but as it turns out, this is the one section that is messing with me the most. I don't know what to do, the joke is now "everybody has a podcast" so I should probably not do one, which means do a Livestream, but what do I do then? And that's where it jumbles, even if it's not online, this hits me, would this be a good joke? What would make me a better host? Actor? And it kills me, not just because little to no feedback, but because the case of "never feeling good enough", I have yet to experience the next step in this called "imposter syndrome" but I will chalk it to really bad luck.
Limits - Well, that's everything else, financially, I can't go to Disneyland or have an annual pass, I barely squeak by with my finances as is, l am right now in that cusp of "about a hundred bucks" in my account, that then when I tell people "I don't drive" I just have to tell them "Uber is cheaper" (when you consider things like leasing, gas, insurance, and any problems like a new set of tires) it's out of the question...
which also hurts in the case of dating.
The worse news? I'm in LA, if this was like San Fran or New York City, I wouldn't be in a mess, but that's my own problem, that I hopefully can fix.
Anyway, so then you go on social media, rather it is Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or Snapchat and it's your friends and or respected creatives and they are at South by Southwest, or WonderCon or Game Developers Conference or PAX, and you are happy for them (because you are) but then you get this feeling of "you aren't good enough, they did it, not you" and then you come up with a thousand reasons why you didn't come (even if things like money and reliable transportation are kind of actually the case)
Presently, I have nothing going for me...
I wish I could say I'm working on a show, or creating a fun game, even writing something that's not just a wall of really depressing text. But nope. NADA. zero. zilch.
It's the way things were meant to be, at least right now, maybe it's a sign to take things easy, find my real passions, but it's a feeling I can't say I enjoy. .. Almost would say hate.
But I do have knowledge, that this, rests on me and nobody else. Because when you see the world wide web and this world of negative emotion, the protocol is to blame everybody but yourself.
That's what creates pick-up artist culture, that what's creates school mmassacres, and in many ways, that's also why many failed entertainers go into conservative talk radio...
Oh are you offended I compared conservative talk radio hosts with school massacres? The people who cry about crisis actors and how the mainstream media and colleges are "biased" because they can't tell that great black-guys-act-like-this joke without coming across a bit racist? The ones saying Mister Rogers made our kids "entitled" Those people?
Anyway, I'm not those people, it's nobody but my own that's why I'm in the situation I'm in. It's similar to poker and you just gotta figure out what you're good at... And that I'm trying to figure out right now. ..
And then I gotta think back to Nightwing...
So, a few times I've been asked "why are you obsessed with Nightwing" or "why do you like Nightwing?"
And besides the fact we are both tall dudes with dark brown hair with bangs who eat cereal at night and tell jokes whenever possible, I would Have to redirect to the first time I actually read Kyle Higgins' New-52 Run of Nightwing.
By now, you know about fear toxin, if you've seen Batman Begins, created by the scarecrow to showcase the biggest fear, and we'll, in one scene we see Grayson's biggest fear and it's this:
His head is telling him all sorts of negative things, a feeling of letting his family and friends down, a fear of failure...
As hokey as a "nooooo" is, this page was what really got me connected into this character, because it mirrors my biggest nightmares as well.
I don't think I'll ever be good enough, but I don't want to feel worthless either...
It feels exploitative to bring it public, but that's just the way things are, at least to me.
No other fictional character has mirrored by beliefs, and fears at the same time quite like Nightwing.
And I think I buy these little figurines and comics just to see a character I connect with does in situations I obviously would never be able to do (because, ya see, it's FICTIONAL)
Even though my computer is laggy, almost on the verge of death, I'm going to try my best to Livestream a bit more, and
Here's where I feel alright.
It's on Twitch. I called it "Night Night" but really it could be called anything.
The experiment is simple - livestream 3 days a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. From 8pm PST to 10pm PST (11-1 if east coast)
On the show, we take a look at the news of the day, whatever was trending, the great Memes created and anything else to fill a couple hours.
It's not a playthrough of a game, but we might play games with the audience, we might watch YouTube videos, check out what's going on in video games, have sideshows and field pieces (if it works out) and maybe interviews if I figure out how to get that to work.
It's still going to look low-budget, but I think we have a few ways to go about things, rather it's drawing request, answering your questions, or just watching a gameshow and analyzing it.
This week, I'm trying to do things that set it a bit different from other streamers, I'm trying to do away with the conventional "game chair behind bluescreen playing game" and might want to try stand up behind curtain as I browse Reddit...
Is it a failure? Probably, I don't know, I think a few people watch it, maybe you should watch it too?
But I'm sick of telling people I'm streaming when nobody shows up, so maybe it's time to just say fuck it, make a train wreck, and see if that can't help me figure out what exactly should be in my "Patreon".
Now to hug a big Kirby