Oct 31

Oct 31 013 - The Spoooky Episode!

HALLOWEEN

This is the special “Halloween” episode, by the time it goes out, It is October 31 and there is probably a Halloween Party, but your friend Jordan is going to probably get stuck handing out candy this year to Trick or Treaters.

Honestly, it’s one of the best and the worst part about Halloween, because in one hand, kids get candy, and candy is awesome. And also, many people dress up as licensed properties like Iron Man or a Stranger Things kid, and its like a mini comic -con showing up, even though you are still handing the same candy for the minimal effort ghostbusters shirt guy in his ironic-bro era of teenage life, as the 6-year-old dressed as a witch scared shitless.

I am a very tall man, so it’s very intimidating, and understandably so, to make things worse, most of those times I dressed up like Nightwing, which cool, Gotham Knights, makes sense for me to do it again this year, right? No, no no. At this point, I might just retire from “dressing up like nightwing”, one, I am very unhappy with my body as it’s become slightly plump since the pandemic, and that insecurity is still coming up with me, and two – I am now at the stage in adulthood, where I understand why people just “leave a bucket” out and move on.

My plan this year, was to dress up like Kirby, and its that inflatable Kirby that you might have seen, it’s like the hilarious inflatable dinosaur, or that hilarious inflatable amongus. But it’s the pink puffball Kirby!

There’s just one problem – there is no arm holes to hand out candy, you are literally just legs sticking out and that’s it. So needless to say – I was kind of pissed.

So now, a quick Target order and I got a hamburger costume and I guess the best I could do is dress up like my Fall Guys character. Most likely, people will see a hamburger and a crown and think burger king, and you know what? NOW I’M THE BURGER KING!

My Halloween Routine was usually eating a bowl of Count Chocula, playing a brand new video game (which I guess would’ve been Gotham Knights but, ehh) and then periodically, ring the bell throw the candy and call it a day.

Some years are better than others, you get less kids and that means I can play an entire game of Mario Party, by myself, because I am lonely, other times, it keeps ringing over and over again, you can’t go through Shaun of the Dead without pausing it every 2 minutes to hand over the full-size m&ms.

So, I for one, sadly, never got into “Halloween” as much as most people. No matter what I have planned, something always sidewinds me and I am stuck at home handing out candy, so because of this weird Halloween Curse, I just no longer make plans.

Which might be a good thing, did I mention I once went into a haunted house thing and punched a scare actor and got escorted out? I don’t do spooky real well. I also don’t like Pumpkin Hill in Sonic 2, and the more I think about it – it’s not just the ghosts popping out, it’s also just the controls of those 3D sonic games, maybe the 16 bit sonics were just better.

One of my favorite memories was actually one year, where it rained on Halloween, and it was when Grand Theft Auto Vice City came out, and all I did during the entirety of Halloween, was just sit around and play a video game. Nobody showed up for candy, and we had the lights and decorations out and everything. My mom was confused by it all, and then right at around 9 o’clock, which is the unofficial, official “closing time” for this candy handout – we just had one trick or treater, and it was just a kid in a sombrero and I just handed him the bag and told him to go.

I hope I made his Halloween!

But yeah, I understand the appeal, the costumes, the decorations, the spooky vibes, horror movies, and 80s and 90s, and probably now 2000s nostalgia? But it’s just not been my go-to holiday. My favorite will still continue to be New Years Day, but I 100% endorse all thots online to dress up like Slutty Rubiks Cube or Pinhead, but with an Only Fans, and all the Insta Influencer Models who probably did a thousand squats or so to get that ideal butt shot for their sexy Jeffrey Dahmer this year.

The one thing I like to do every year, is actually try and make the prediction of what the “most popular halloween costume” is – usually its witch, but sometimes you get that confused with Harry Potter real easily.

What is that “Power Ranger” or “Ghostface” or even “Mortal Kombat Ninja” of this year? Recent memories point to a Mario Costume, a Minions costume, and of course, your classic standby Spider-man. But with pop culture being a real slurry this year – my guess this year, for the “popular” costume is going to be some variant of a sports celebrity.

That’s right, I am going out of left-field on this one, I am not saying it’s Captain America, nor am I saying Squid Game – I am saying somebody put on a Jersey and called it a day.

It’s sports season after all, and Trick or Treating is going on the same time as World Series and Monday Night Football, and the most important sport of them all – The Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions!

Plus, like NBA is back, so that’s not going to do any favors either.

Anyway, I am probably going to be miserable, but at least I got my Halloween playlist ready!