What makes a good game show?


I am writing this in a waiting queue for the WB Tour. One of my favorite things to do in Los Angeles. So horray, for mobile blogging. I hope it takes off!

As many of you know, I have a podcast about game shows, I don't really shut up about it. I love recording episodes and looking into the ever expansive world of televised competition. 

I do often review game shows on there, and sometimes it comes across as mean (sorry potential employers) and other times it comes across as biased (sorry, people think I'm bribed) 

I believe game shows are a genre that has no bounds, that can be towards any audience towards anything. People who love music, have talent shows, people who love game theory, had the genius. There are shows for children, shows for adults, and shows for pep-pep. And I go through all of them, even "Show Us Your Wits"  (which is really adult!)

Some shows work because they aren't really changing, except cosmetically (Jeopardy, Countdown) others work because they are always evolving (The Price is Right, Wheel of Fortune)

But what has to work is simply - engagement. 

If a show has audience participation, you screaming at the screen, odds are, it might be a good series. Rather it's answering questions or taking dilemmas. 

 But if it's impossible, if it's games of skill or social, that engagement MUST be in the form of storytelling. Survivor has been on the year for decades, because they know the game can be complex, and the psychology of voting to alliances elevate the game.

So, if you're going to make a NEW FORMAT... 

1. Make sure you know your "contestant" 

Is it a talent show? Are we going to get the story of dreams and how to make them come true? 

Is it a "party game" like America Says? Who do you know love to party? 

Most casting, unfortunately, fails in this regards. They are more in favor of "sirens" (wooooo! WOOOOOO!) to push "excitement" over people to get excited for. That's your buddy, Daniel. That's your co-worker Julie... instead, you get the person who was able to boldly pronounce their name effectively at an  audition.

"Battle of the Ages" on BYUtv did great casting, they didn't need screaming, nor sob stories to get you to engage with the contestants. But somewhere, you get the wrong kind of Double Dare contestants, and it's not just kids you can relate to, but just "people who love to dab and floss dance because it's silly and fun" 

Speaking from experience - it is good for the time capsule of game shows, similar to how American Idol had a Myspace Page or Big Brother had AOL Keywords.

You gotta think about who the contestants SHOULD be, and cast accordingly. 

2. Think about your audience.  

Perception is everything, a production can make a future president look rich and powerful, instead of a lying schmuck.  

If you are doing a game show, you can either go as broad as a network show (something for you, Grandma and awkward friend) or as niche as a cable channel (Top Shot springs to mind, yes, you won't get a big audience going TOO niche, but it is possible) 

Who do you want to watch these shows? Game Show Nerds? Newbies? People who are aware of a topic? 

Can you enjoy Bullseye without understanding darts? Is the show meant for prime time or afternoon? What's the tone you want? 

And mostly, this is where the shows fault the most. A "Shiny Black Floor" denotes night, it's prime time, late, not really screaming "put at 11am", where as something with, say, a wooden floor (Celebrity Name Game) or Carpet (Match Game) and White Floor screams "Daytime"

Time shifting is a thing, but tone MEANS everything.

Not everybody is going to TiVo a game show, unless you're somebody like me who NEEDS to see Mental Samurai.  (The show, btw, is best viewed at 4pm, with a lemoncetto, when you need to relax and do puzzles)

3. Hosting 

Steve Harvey is good because he's a comedian who's standup comedy is themed around family, romance, relationships and sex.

Drew is good at ad-libs, because of his improv  background, and has turned Price into his own, by making the contestants the forefront, even more than the prizes, and is willing to lose a sponsor if it meant cheering up a contestant.

Wayne Brady did the same thing, with a more explansive musical improv backing (and Jonathan Magnum, another top-tier improver as announcer and sidekick)

Howie's routine in comedy was getting audiences to react, so he is great at milking the drama on the contestants for the benefit of the audience.

 These are all comedians,  but that doesn't mean comedians should host.

Comedians are mostly characters offering a persona, and when they are booked for the show, you want that character. 

For a while, the idea was to get comedians as hosts, Cedric the Entertainer, DL Hughley, Jimmy Kimmel... and it doesn't work. 

If you're getting a host, you're getting the salesman to the game. Somebody who needs to be aware of all the  screws, is aware there are people on set not just the contestants, is aware there is somebody watching at home, and a contestant who is very nervous because they've never been on television before.

Jeff Probst wasn't a comedian, Julie Chen is a journalist, you can expand and go anywhere else, if the tone you're creating is one that is necessary with a host to match. Bring back the "Wink Martindale" and "Bill Cullen" of the world, who are broadcast icons, who know how to sell the formats and bring out the fun. 

Currently, that person is Ryan Seacrest, but you could always find Podcasters and, yes, even YouTubers... but only if it fits. 

Going for the A-List Celebrity, it's not worth it. These are actors playing the role of game show host, not being natural. Their agent gave them the job in a package deal with the company. And you get a LeBron James Created (he didn't) or a Rob Lowe, and something tells me, none of these people sketched out a format. None of these people thought about the gameplay, until it came time to sell the show to network, because it makes it an enticing sell on a "new format"

If it's not a hit in a foreign country,   And it's not a format people are familiar with, you NEED that celebrity to sell something today.

Congrats to Justin Timberlake for "Spin the Wheel", or Jamie Foxx for "Beat Shazam" 

Is it bad? Maybe? Maybe not.

It ultimately comes down to budget. Somebody is getting a cut of the royalties.

For a Jamie Foxx, it works, same with Ellen. But sometimes you get a clunker like "Child Support". 

4. The Format 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, but in game shows, that is something that is done weekly, sometimes daily. 

If you can create a game that is played with different people, is the outcome what you wanted? 

Is the repetition what you wanted, like a Mastermind or Countdown? Or so you think it needs to update?

Some shows, need that update. Double Dare always needs that new physical challenge. Wipeout needs new obstacles. Minute to Win It needs new games.

Without that variety, audiences feel it's a rerun and stop. 

Conversely, a show that stays the same, but has a constant flow, and is a well oiled machine, like Jeopardy, doesn't need it. 

The constant change on Jeopardy, is the categories.  Which is the main focus of the game.

The constant change on Price, is the prizes, but some of the games remained there since it's debut.

A format, that is new, needs to decide if their game is good enough to be replayed not just 10 times, but 20 times, 40 times, 800 times. 

If you can repeat the game for years, you got a winning format. And that's the biggest fault for most reality shows. You get, mostly, 2 seasons tops. Survivor had to adapt, so has The Amazing Race, so has Bachelor, but the core game remained.

Treat a great game show, like a great board game that you can play for about 20 minutes to an hour. If it's good enough to play again IMMEDIATELY, it's good. Otherwise, you might have to retool it and rework it.

5.  The Money 

Sometimes the game show IS about the money. Deal or No Deal is that, and that makes the game, that much more enjoyable. People are willing to take more gambles with smaller money than large amounts.  

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader is about second guessing yourself on questions for huge sums of money. You're pretty sure Sacramento is the Capital City of California, but are you $300,000 sure? 

Not every game show, unless it's necessary, needs to be a big money game show.  

Sometimes, you get something cute like Idiotest that offers $10,000 and you make a charming game that stands on its own. 

$100,000 Pyramid kept that same big money, but the game is still the same. 

If the prize comes second to the game, think about more than just money.

If you're doing a video game game show, where you play video games, maybe you can give away... Video Games? 

If you're doing movie trivia... can you think of a few things that could make great prizes?  

This means, you could branch into online. If you're doing, say, a nerd debate game show, maybe all you need as a prize is a comic book or tickets to a premiere? 

Budget is everything, and I am a firm believer in break the prize budget, but NOT go overboard. 

You don't have to do Million Dollar Password, but you can do $25,000 password and rinse repeat the game.  

When I make formats, I centralize the prize budget at a maximum of $250,000. It's huge money, but that's ONLY if you do a perfect game. 

6. Online

Online is the future, but networks still treat it like a marketing vessel. Get YouTubers not because of personality, but because they gave 10,000,000 subscribers "so if we get at least 10%, we get 1,000,000 views"

They don't do that, and Hollywood screws it up all the time.  

You need to treat online like a platform equal to broadcast. Shows that can be recorded and uploaded weekly.

Or, because of things like Twitch, where it's live and INSTANT audience feedback, you can do some pretty groundbreaking shows!

But that involves risk taking, and it's something Hollywood is unfortunately not looking to do, given the slate of movies and television shows that aren't game shows will tell you. 

You want a successful show?    

Take that risk.


Formatting a podcast and more!


Anyway, here's a quick post to keep you updated on the podcast, Game Shows I Suppose!

1. Theme Song

it's the theme song to the game show that's going to be discussed tonight, if for some reason the theme song is not found, idk, something similar would be used?

2. News and Reviews 

anything updated in the world of game shows, any gimmicks coming up, any new shows in development, what's casting. 

if a show just debuted, a review of the show is discussed, mental samurai for instance is coming up. Also any retractions or errors.

3. Game Show lead-up 

A quick intro to the game show on today's episode, a short bio. And the guest introduced. 


 4. Guest Interview

The guest and Jordan talk game shows, the guest leads the show, it's their segment. Anything from revival discussion to confusion of game shows is discussed.  Explaining "the game" (Format) and "the show" (Presentation)

5. Follow Up 

To tie up loose ends that would otherwise be in the deep dive, it would be brought up here post interview.  Any plugs forgotten by guests, episodes, cancellations, etc.

6. Pricing Game Spotlight 

A 110-part series looking at EVERY pricing game from "The Price is Right". From Bonus Game to Gridlock! Going in order of debut. (A solo dive)

7. Questions 

If you have questions, or good hypothetical questions, it would be answered at the end. Send them in the contact form here or on Twitter @jordha or on the Discord, and I'll answer them!

8. Big Smooch 

The ending theme is played or some other theme song from the game show, idk it's something to end the episode.


Every episode is bookended. And I'm disappointed I couldn't get through a bunch of pricing games with guests, but I was still juggling the format.

 You want guests? I'll try and grab guests! If all else fails, I'll grab a friend or do it by myself!

 Please reach out to me if you want to be on the show, we got good guests coming on down!

Struggle Session


So this week was a wild ride for me. I made it through a huge block of GUEST EPISODES for my podcast, Game Shows I Suppose, and something that I thought was going to be sporadic, turns out, I might actually need to schedule and record for (I'm rolling a new one out every Friday)

I still don't know how I managed to get ONE guest, let alone FOUR. So thanks Jack, Cait, Franklin and Brandon. You have no idea how much you guesting means to me, especially on such a young podcast where I thought "nobody would agree to this"

And hopefully, in the upcoming months, I could get others to come on. So if you  have a Niche podcast of your own (someone who loves horror movies to this), you have a leftist podcast (to fight back against Chuck Woolery), or are just a funny dude who I admire, please come onto my Podcast and let's talk game shows!

It's something I enjoy talking about, that I might as well hit record and talk about them... alone. But the guest episodes are a super fun as well. It's trying to juggle and find that perfect balance.

 Which leads me to something else...


That morning, I barely got any sleep. I don't think it was nerves or just fear of "walking up after the schedule", I think it was just problems sleeping the night before.

So I went on Twitter and Leslie Lee III tweeted this:

In which I did, over the weekend. I watched both documentaries, because it is something I do enjoy watching. In college, my background was in documentary filmmaking. I'm not saying I'm "great" at it, but they didn't have "game shows" and I'm not going "reality television" (a confessional is NOT a talking head, despite looking and acting very similar)

So anyway, as I was preparing for the episode with Jack Allison I got a message from Leslie wondering if I'll be on the show.

 Of course I would.

I jokingly said I have his co-host, but I'll gladly do it. But because it was FyreFraud vs Fyre: The Greatest Party that never was. I watched them casually the first time... I have time between now and when Jack comes on to be a damn professional and do what I normally do with documentary discussion - REWATCH THE DOCS AND TAKE TONS AND TONS OF NOTES

Consumate podcast guest @jordha preparing to talk #FyreFestival with us on @strugglesesh. Been waiting at his mic for 10 hours. This is how you guest on a pod, folks.
— Leslie Lee III

 I don't normally come prepared in podcasts. Game Shows is an outline of notes I want to say (how do you revive it? media at the time, role of women, etc.)  And FTC originally had notes, but it's best done Improvisational, much like my actual calls with friends.

But damn it, this is my moment.   

Struggle Session is my favorite Podcast and to me it's so weird, they got all these heavy hitters as guests from Chapo Trap House and Street Fight... and then there's me... I already felt out of my league.

But getting into the recording with JDB and Leslie, and already familar with Jack because I just finished the episode with him. It was relaxing, and I said it before and I'll say it again. 

Struggle Session really does care about you.

Jack and Leslie were very supportive of both my dumb podcasts and shared them on Twitter, they didn't have to. In the middle of preparing for the live show, JDB reached out on IG and asked if I'm okay because fires and evacuation.    And to me, I thought all I am was the $5 a month through their patreon, like most internet consumer/producer relationships. 

So I'm still so surprised I was able to be a guest on their show. And it surprised me it was on a subject I vaguely knew something about.

Anyway, there is a preview of it up on their main feed, and the full version is on their patreon. And it's worth the $5 (not just for my episode, but also for episodes like a deep dive into Nier Automatica, Watchmen and more)

Thanks again for having me on, and if you were here because of them, please check out my podcasts "Fun Time Calls" and "Game Shows I Suppose" they are both available on iTunes and Google Play and I believe also on Spotify as well.

Hopefully, I can use my influencer status to get a discount on my next sandwich at Firehouse Subs. 

Can't Sleep, Must Post


Yes, the guy who jokingly hates anime online has a Dragonball shirt. No, I'm not going to see Broly. I think those movies are alright, but I fear the smell of that movie theater - buttered popcorn and ASSSSSS!

But seriously, I just thought I had a good night's sleep and woke up and suddenly it's 2 a.m. and that means my sleep pattern is once again messed up.   Instead of just trying to get myself back to sleep, I might as well start rambling on my blog for a bit and then see what happens!

I'm going to try and get back into twitch streaming soon. I miss doing Night Night and just looking at YouTube videos and getting confused by reality, but in the meantime, if you're up early, Might I Suggest JackAM?  Unlike my show that's on at like 8pm, this show is on in the morning, covering the news and chatting with the audience. While Jack covers more Hollywood stories (I'm of course, more video game stories), it's a very fun show to watch. So if you are missing me and my Purple lights, come say hello to the SlurpFam!

Game Shows, I Suppose is on its 10th episode (if you're including guest episodes) and I'm still trying to figure out the balance. So far, I'm targeting Wednesdays for them, as that day is heavy with game show footage. And luckily with Buzzr available just about everywhere these days, I'm glad game shows in general can be showed to another generation of audiences. Each Wednesday, it's just me, and a microphone, and almost in a therapeutic way, I get to spend 90 or so minutes talking about one show, and as much as I know about the show, and think about the show, and visualizing the show as possible... Until I literally exhaust myself and want to take a nap. 

I still don't know if people listen to them, but from feedback I'm getting, it's everywhere from "boring" (which I could understand) to "Passionate from beginning to end". And I think it works for me, solely because I want to make sure I cover everything I know before the show ends, and hanging with a person, while enjoyable, isn't fully throwing out my thoughts.

The guest episodes, are a big thrill so far. It's tough to book guests, but that's why I want them to feel special. The guest takes most of the time, and I'd rather have the podcast have the shows presented in their eyes in these episodes. An isolation booth format like my podcast is good, to me, because I feel I'm not giving a character or personality, I'm just being myself, and it comes across as a recorded confessional. And as you heard on a few episodes, sometimes I just don't like these shows and it's a pain to sit through them. (Want to know which shows? Listen to the podcast). And I really hope the next guest episode (out Friday) will be just as loved as the first one with Video Power w/ Oko. 

I think it's tough to explain the format - come into the show, watch a game show with me, spend an hour interviewed and talking about the show, that's it. But I think, it might be very fun, my current goal with guests is get close friends, or those that have given me the courage to do this, then I want to grab people from other niche podcasts to come on (Theme Parks? Sports? Star Wars?) Because I think that's one thing that makes the internet really great  being able to share with friends the things we love.  

Who knows? Maybe UCB talent would stop by, maybe I'll finally get that dream of getting Terry Crews to come on and watch Battle Dome with me. But it's something I'm really happy about creating, even if I'm barely editing the show. 

My only issue is just from my own - I think my voice is okay, but always near the end of these long winded podcasts, I sound like I'm sick or I'm swallowing my tongue. And in some cases, I could hear that, other times I understand (usually, in broadcasting, there are commercial breaks not just for advertisers, but to assist the broadcaster, with prep, including bathroom breaks, coffee, or just blowing your nose to get the snot to stop drowning your throat) I'm trying to experiment with ways to solve this, because, much like my serious sensitivity to caffeine, I realize looking back at old streams, this is a constant thing, not just in winter, but summer and spring as well. 

I just don't want to wind up with sleep apnea. 

Anyway, fun time calls is still going on, and I'm loving the direction we are taking it, I find it refreshing and funny, and it's good doing it with your friends, spending an hour and catching up and just having bits prepared and not planned and seeing it unfold, where what becomes a normal video game conversation, becomes an accusation against me of being "a fake gamer" with a punishment of death.   If GSIS (pronounced "gee sis") is a therapy session with something I love and enjoy talking about... This is the chaos that I live with, a perfect Yin-Yang, which people would agree was "The Coolest Pog"

I haven't seen any movies the last two weeks, not because I'm lazy, it was just catching up with Giant Bomb content and finishing up some Cowboy Bebop and just having a swell time. 

Drum n Fun is actually a really fun game for Switch, the motion controls work for the game, I only wish it had more music from "The Blue Hearts" because while "TRAIN TRAIN" is good, my favorite "LINDA LINDA" is on the PS4 version... Maybe they'll have DLC? please? There is a Round 1 opening up soon in Burbank so I can't wait to go over there and check it out (even if we are getting a Dave and Buster's really soon!)

 And now the sad slump time! 

While I am enjoying my podcasts and having a fun time, I'm starting to feel like I'm just not cut out for the industry . Creatively, yes, I fit in. Clearly, I have a vision in mind for production and what the shows could be. (And yes, I am still looking for jobs, please contact me if you have one for me, I'm willing to help you work out that reboot of Tic Tac Dough)

But, I just think, maybe I'm just too out there? Maybe I'm too much of liability or a risk? Maybe I'm just annoying? I don't know! I just know the gig economy is kind of screwy when even my talented friends still struggle to make ends meet.

Like, even though I am following my heart and passion... I don't think there is a monetary reward for this. I don't have a Patreon in mind for this project, I don't see live shows in the forseeable future? But I'm prepared to see where the unknown takes me... And it could very well be any one of those options, or something completely unexpected. 

And isn't that ultimately what makes game shows interesting? People moving away from the sure-thing to take the risk in the unknown? 

I only hope, I'm not getting Zonked.   

Okay, it's almost 3am, I wrote for an hour. That's my cue to make sure this is in drafts and not published, because I usually post goodnight hamburgers instead.


Art credit goes here


 (art by kittykun123 on deviantart)

And to end the posting, here's that 538 personality test!  



Ladies and Gentlemen... I did the test, and here are the results...

As you can guess, I don't care about 538 Staffers


The biggest number I got was "Openness to Experience" but I don't know, I have a degree in television, a podcast about game shows, and yet the worst drug I have done recently was "a ton of energy drink that gives me a depressing mood around 4am where i feel I am wasting my time" l


Also, apparently, I am very high on the "agreeability" thing, because I am compassion and trustworthy? I mean, that's pretty cool, but I think it's because I have faith in the people I do trust, I am open to everybody at first, but I trust only those that share that passion 


This one is about conscientious, and I think the writers of this article is saying "you aren't a narc, so i guess you're fine, but also WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS" and it's very passive-aggressive and I am kind of laughing my ass off reading it. 


This one, regarding negative, is just an equilateral triangle. And the correct answer is - I get frustrated that things aren't moving, so I move onto the next idea, and hope it's better than the last one.

Other than that, the sadness comes from the fact I feel stagnant. 


And finally, i like how they want to determine how extroverted i am, and i range "50 percent" on sociability, and yet really high on Energy Level and Assertiveness.

This is the second highest number on the test, and I barely count other than just having energy to say HELLO. 

 I wonder if this info 538 collected will be used to determine if I'm going to vote Jill Stein or somebody in the 2020 election.

A new computer


It's the HP Omen. I gotta thank my Mom for the early Christmas present. (there is a towel under it only because I don't have a mat yet.

 I have a gaming computer again, and that means it's time to download PUBG and Fortnite! I'll see how some of my favorite games run. But also need to install some programs.

I did get final draft installed (still version 9) and just gotta find good video editing software. 

As you can see, it doesn't have a CD drive. We are living in the future! 

So I just gotta install a bunch of things, get back into recording podcasts and see if I can't go back into my twitch streams or even start working on that video show. 

Super Smash Brothers Ultimate is pretty fun, I enjoy it and talked about it on the latest fun time calls. The spirit mode is very addictive, but I am unsure about the grinding to unlock all the characters.

In addition, I am watching Deal or No Deal on CNBC, and it got me wondering more about story telling in game shows. (Not just creating characters from contestants, but in the format premise - how it's like a hostage negotiation between capitalist banker and hopeful contestant. Cases eliminated are clues to what's possibly in the case.) 

Finally, I created a game board for my game show "Five Stars" in tabletop simulator and I'm enjoying it.


I hope to show you guys more soon. But I gotta mess around with the computer in a bit. I hope to update you all with more soon.



So today, while watching my friend steam kingdom hearts on twitch, my computer died...


It was a long time coming. I got it in 2013. I just graduated college in television and film, thinking "I'll get a PC at home, and a MacBook for work" (I didn't have enough money lined up for both, and still don't know how many people in this industry can afford one)

And I never had a "gaming computer" except in second grade at my mom's office, and let me tell you, STREAM WENT REALLY DOWNHILL, AND I DON'T PLAY MOST OF THE GAMES I BOUGHT, AND ANY NEW ONES LIKE PUBG COULDN'T EVEN BE PLAYED ON IT ANYWAY. 

Anyway, I figure my focus was game shows and screenwriting, so as long as I was able to stream (which I did, everything from a news show, to a interactive game show about bingo), I should be fine... 

Don't worry about it, it was a Windows 8 that upgraded to Windows 10. It was bound to be a dinosaur soon. 

 Anyway, in those five years, I was still able to use final draft to create scripts (I even learned how to write comic books in it!)  and ultimately, it was a good time.

Of course, getting little offers for employment, I start getting restless and frustrated, and just tried to figure out what that next thing could be, and I would say this computer, red, was with me essentially as a security blanket for the unknown that was this decade. 

That means, as you can figure out, I am without a computer, which means, unable to screenwrite, or record and edit my podcasts. I'll see how to fix one of those soon. (The Anchor app does have magic)

 However, after a fire scare, I'm used to just being on phone for the time being. I'm lucky to be able to still watch television (the new deal or no deal is pretty good! Titans is still frustrating!) And play video games.

If anything, this is a sign that maybe I should step back a bit in figuring out where I belong, and that discovery of new ideas and ways to be creative.

I have put money in savings for an instance, but it did not surprise me one bit it would happen.   It's five years old, the motor was slowing down and the insides were so caked with dust (and sut) that it was a question of timing. Cleaning it wasn't going to help.  Upgrading the parts would actually be MORE than replacing.  (Thanks crypto, for screwing me btw!)


So right now I'm reading comic books, and writing on my phone. I love writing, articles and these weird rants and diatribes were my talent for a decade. However, with social media on the rise (and medium, whatever that means) pretty much that means things like this is essentially worthless, other than, as a relic from days gone by, or something that if copied and pasted would be one and a half pages on a book that nobody would read.

It's tough trying to find out what my next thing could be, and being without a computer for a few weeks, should be ok.

But with Christmas approaching, I might have to cut a few expenses to make sure I could get some presents to friends, which is tough. But if I budget it out, I should still be ok.

Yes, I am frustrated.  But it's less because "I'm out a computer" and more "lack of direction and nobody helping me push into a certain direction"

I don't think many people care, really. 

If I didn't have a phone, and didn't have a computer, I doubt anybody would care I'm still around. That's the upsetting thing. 

 But, it's lightly raining, its windy, and the cold breeze is slipping through the doors, the weather stripping isn't helping.


So I'm taking the good with the bad, the year is almost over, and yet again, more of the same will happen. As much as I know I'm talented, I don't think it'll get me that far. I have been proven wrong before.

Anyway, I do not need your donations, trust me, there are toy charities right now you could donate to, food shelters that need time and money, people still needing a place to stay because of wildfires. Me without a computer for a bit, will be fine. 

I would plug a patreon, but I don't think anybody listens to it. They do listen to Fun Time Calls though. But as I said in the top, unsure about how to record and edit.  

But hey, if you want to help me out, you could always just ask me questions on curiouscat.

Thank you anybody for reading this, I'll keep you updated. Well, obviously, it's my website. What else would I be doing? 


A Sleep Deprived Rant


 I should probably note I'm actually a much better writer than whatever it is I'm going to write in the next twenty minutes.

As is the case, Thanksgiving Week, much like these Winter months, just makes the sad slumps worse.  There's a multitude of reasons, marketing for families, while mine is very limited, The daylight savings time messes with my equilibrium, the arguments you get just because somehow arguments are needed, and then for me, and I've had this feeling for the longest time, a feeling of hopelessness.

I think the next year will be better, maybe this will be the year, I do something exciting, maybe this is the year I'm in a project I'm happy about, maybe this year, I'll write that book, or finish that screenplay, and even if I do, why bother? I just crash and burn. The other things, the things to look forward to, the dream gigs, the stuff I'd like to do, I feel like I'm out of time, out of my league, or over my head. 

And no matter how many times I say "but are you satisfied?" or "but you aren't putting yourself in that box, you could still do anything", it just hits me, just a bit worse.

I exercise, but I know I'm not "ripped", I'm not one of these Instagram models, or REALLY good cosplayers (like holy cow, they are good!) And I originally exercised to stop cramping, and feeling depressed, but I don't know if it's working now. (And no, I don't fall in line with the pumpkin spice, turkey, peppermint trend that hits this year), and I'm trying NOT to compare myself to others (I'm the first Jordan, not a second anybody else) but what happens is,  then there is that chance, that people like me. They actually think I'm attractive. And I don't know how to take the compliment.

I'm not trying to be flirty, it's really bad. I think after all these years of trying to figure out who I am, and so much sself-deprecation in my comedy and writing, it caused me to lose my ability to love myself. So when I see something like "you are cute" or "hey handsome", I know it's a sign you want to flirt with me, or just give me a compliment, but in my head I'm going "they are kidding, it's a joke, nobody likes you"

And I think in doing so, I have pushed away so many people. I give off the appearance that I am either too good for you, or I have this wall to protect myself, because anything could harm me.

(This counts as a therapy session right?) 

So, this feeling of unloved, and nobody around to feel this sense of love and belonging, or even a "you matter", it does hurt. So many cool things I'd love to do, but I lack the finances (I can't afford SDCC, sorry!)  

Sometimes I talk myself out - "I have claustrophobia of people, I can't stand large crowds" (which is true, my biggest random anxiety, despite being able to public surreal and be on stage no problem)  

But I know it's multiple reasons, transportation, it's too far away, it's financial, I can't afford it (seriously, how can you afford a Disneyland Annual Pass?!?), and it's just distance. 

The ironic part is being in LA, where everything is a drive away, but Uber and Lyft are how you mostly get around (and those are still pricy) 

And so, you feel isolated, you feel lost, and you try and find ways to cope with this sadness.

For me, I try and get lost in creative, I write stories, I create game show formats, I try and watch as much as I can, read as much as I can, try and learn the pieces. 

However, when I just run out of ideas, I crash, and that's the "creative crash" that is the cause of many sad slumps (I don't call it depression, depression is more serious, in my mind, I don't think I've hit that yet - possible hypomania maybe) 

Or in some cases, you just can't do stuff that you enjoy, my computer is very show and laggy, that I just can't live stream anymore without a really bad delay or lag, or just 7fps, so I'm trying to save up to get one, maybe an imac, just to get back into editing and writing that way (PC gaming is fine, but I just lost interest)

I'm not saying I'm bad with money, but I do know when there is a sad slump, some people do "retail therapy" to feel better.  But around Black Friday? That doesn't help. 

I bought Hitman 2, Red Dead Redemption 2 and Tetris Effect. 

That is over $160 spent in such short time, and while there was this feeling of "instant gratification", I just thought to myself "I just blew my entire computer savings for this" 

And I still spent money on lightning deals, because burnout paradise, or extending a membership, and it's just... ugh. I think this might have been intentional, and I'm annoyed in myself for purchasing for that one moment of excitement, but also annoyed it's all happening right now, at a time I am trying to improve. I am pretty sure I'll be in debt by the end of December, but I hope I have enough lined up soon, I don't want to be in the red.

Anyway, in place of what I'm watching, I'll just do some quick reviews of these games and call it a night, before trying to sleep. 

Hitman 2 is very fun, I love a nice sandbox where they want you to try and do new things in the same scenario and location, it provides more of the same, but I know it's one of those games I need to strategize better, I'm bad at stealth, and this game is no exception. 

Red Dead Redemption 2 is okay, I see why people enjoy the horses, but I think I'm just getting tired with open world games doing the same "go from x to y" while an event occurs. I understand that's a very core principle of gaming, but I think go somewhere, do a crime, come back, it's tiring at least for me, it's good, I enjoy the customizing and the story, and trying to play on the "good side" of the law. 

Tetris Effect  reminds me of Rez, but with Tetris, I think it's the asethic, mixed with music and beats, sometimes I am overwhelmed with the theming and I do get anxiety and headaches and that's not even if a s block is in the field. However, others are very calming and make me feel much better to get lost in. I enjoy it just in a sense of meditation, in the form of video game.

I don't know what's next for me yet, I still have a month and a half left in this year, but hey, feel free to invite me over to your  podcast. I'll try and get a better headshot. 

 i don't know if I'll ever be successful, but I hope to be satisfied with that result.

anyway, I gotta try and end this bummer of an article on a fun note - umm... Apparently Panda Express has hot chicken now? That's pretty sweet. 

I'll try and eat those mini cinnabon and a whole pizza tomorrow to feel better. 




Last Tuesday, I voted and thought that was gonna be the end of it... But then borderline happened...

I grew up in the area, so it's very heartbreaking to see my city in the national spotlight, and reading Twitter of friends heartbroken because they know somebody who was there, or a friend of a friend...

I thought that was it, it couldn't get worse, but then we had the wildfire...  

 For a good week, I had this in drafts, trying to figure out what to say in regards to not one, but two tragedies, thoughts and prayers? That's not good enough....

Obviously, we need gun reform. If it was me, I would ban it all so only military can use them, not even police... HOWEVER, allow them for hunting in sport (under designated zones) and have gun ranges be for rentals, so give them automatics, fuck, give people flame throwers! Anybody who had to gun, tries to look cool and take selfies, and try to look badass on YouTube... When in actuality, they look like dorks trying to do Boondock Saints fanfilms.

We need a huge surge in mental health in this country, not just with our veterans (and I think it's a disservice, especially because veterans day happened, to just throw them back into civilian life, expecting them to reassemble, it's nearly impossible) We need to make sure the vets are taken care of, as well as ourselves. There is still a stigma in this country about therapy, PTSD and depression. There is still this "men don't cry" attitude, and "facts don't care about your ffeelings" that jeopardizes the need to discuss emotions and feelings... It's these kind of people who try and act tough, who hold back, that become isolated and start to seek destruction, because that's the only "emotion" a macho dude could have, it seems... And it's not just incorrect, it's dangerous! We can all get better in this!

Finally, the wild fire, I was sleep deprived when the fire hit, and got evacuated twice. I had nowhere to go, and spent the night inside the back of the car, unsure of what would happen, conserving my energy and phone energy just to make it through... I am lucky enough to have survived, and my home in one piece, and I thank the VCFD, The Police for Crowd Control, and the Fire fighters all over this state, and across the country fighting these flames... It's really upsetting going "that's where i went to Blockbuster Video and picked up Sonic 2 for the first time" and "that's where I went to high school" and "I had a friend who lived up there!" And all these memories flashing over at once... I'm lucky, but unfortunately, others weren't. I hope their houses are rebuilt, and they have places to stay. Many animals are still sheltered, and I hope they see their families real soon. So many people wondering if it's safe to go home, and there is still uncertainty, until the winds stop.  I'm glad I made it, I just put away my duffel bag of clothes, hoping I don't get a siren and bullhorn from the police telling me to leave, as I'm in danger.

Which leaves me to, right now... I'm fine, emotionally, still a wreck, but it's a work in progress...

As we are near the end of 2018, I am trying to come up with positive things that happened for me, eventful things creatively, yeah, I did a podcast, yeah, I HAD a twitch show... but that seems to be just it. I haven't improved creatively, I'm still unsure if I'm a writer, a host, or an actor... I don't want to be a pundit, but yet, I have this idea for a YouTube show, but i don't know if it's good or not, and I'm holding off... but I feel it might be too late. I know I'm way more creative than that. But it feels, at least to me, that I'll never get there. I write here to vent, but also to get inspired... And I just hit that creative crash.

 For self care, I am just exercising a bit while watching the price is right and let's make a deal, they are both feel good shows, but i know I could be doing something, but my mind isn't going anywhere... It's a bit lost, to say the least.

And now, I found out the passing of Stan Lee. As this was almost done. I never met him. I know who he was, I know his impact. I saw the cameos. I saw him as someone even bigger than Walt Disney, a guy who was excited to talk about his characters and their adventures as he was the moral lessons involved. His passing has went waves to comic book fans all across the world, and he got to see his creations (along with Ditko and Kirby) become epic Blockbuster movies, and have llongevity and immortality... 

It's never too late, he never got his break until his 40s, and it's something to think about, rather you're a guy about to hit 30 thinking "well I sure e fucked up" or an energetic kid in their early 20s. I still think anything is possible, I still think there is hope out there, and good things can and will happen, not just to me, but to all of us, we just have to discover what they are.

I don't know what that is for me, quite yet, I still think I have talent in certain areas, but it's always very difficult to show off, let alone explain. 

But something tells me, given this economy, it's best used as "a hobby" and not something to cash on... (insert sigh here)

Maybe that's why we rest, that's why we recover, we all need breaks sometimes, to let us know we are human, and catch our breath, and try and figure out, what exactly our goals are? 

I'm still finding mine.