Can't Sleep, Must Post

upload.jpg

Yes, the guy who jokingly hates anime online has a Dragonball shirt. No, I'm not going to see Broly. I think those movies are alright, but I fear the smell of that movie theater - buttered popcorn and ASSSSSS!

But seriously, I just thought I had a good night's sleep and woke up and suddenly it's 2 a.m. and that means my sleep pattern is once again messed up.   Instead of just trying to get myself back to sleep, I might as well start rambling on my blog for a bit and then see what happens!

I'm going to try and get back into twitch streaming soon. I miss doing Night Night and just looking at YouTube videos and getting confused by reality, but in the meantime, if you're up early, Might I Suggest JackAM?  Unlike my show that's on at like 8pm, this show is on in the morning, covering the news and chatting with the audience. While Jack covers more Hollywood stories (I'm of course, more video game stories), it's a very fun show to watch. So if you are missing me and my Purple lights, come say hello to the SlurpFam!

Game Shows, I Suppose is on its 10th episode (if you're including guest episodes) and I'm still trying to figure out the balance. So far, I'm targeting Wednesdays for them, as that day is heavy with game show footage. And luckily with Buzzr available just about everywhere these days, I'm glad game shows in general can be showed to another generation of audiences. Each Wednesday, it's just me, and a microphone, and almost in a therapeutic way, I get to spend 90 or so minutes talking about one show, and as much as I know about the show, and think about the show, and visualizing the show as possible... Until I literally exhaust myself and want to take a nap. 

I still don't know if people listen to them, but from feedback I'm getting, it's everywhere from "boring" (which I could understand) to "Passionate from beginning to end". And I think it works for me, solely because I want to make sure I cover everything I know before the show ends, and hanging with a person, while enjoyable, isn't fully throwing out my thoughts.

The guest episodes, are a big thrill so far. It's tough to book guests, but that's why I want them to feel special. The guest takes most of the time, and I'd rather have the podcast have the shows presented in their eyes in these episodes. An isolation booth format like my podcast is good, to me, because I feel I'm not giving a character or personality, I'm just being myself, and it comes across as a recorded confessional. And as you heard on a few episodes, sometimes I just don't like these shows and it's a pain to sit through them. (Want to know which shows? Listen to the podcast). And I really hope the next guest episode (out Friday) will be just as loved as the first one with Video Power w/ Oko. 

I think it's tough to explain the format - come into the show, watch a game show with me, spend an hour interviewed and talking about the show, that's it. But I think, it might be very fun, my current goal with guests is get close friends, or those that have given me the courage to do this, then I want to grab people from other niche podcasts to come on (Theme Parks? Sports? Star Wars?) Because I think that's one thing that makes the internet really great  being able to share with friends the things we love.  

Who knows? Maybe UCB talent would stop by, maybe I'll finally get that dream of getting Terry Crews to come on and watch Battle Dome with me. But it's something I'm really happy about creating, even if I'm barely editing the show. 

My only issue is just from my own - I think my voice is okay, but always near the end of these long winded podcasts, I sound like I'm sick or I'm swallowing my tongue. And in some cases, I could hear that, other times I understand (usually, in broadcasting, there are commercial breaks not just for advertisers, but to assist the broadcaster, with prep, including bathroom breaks, coffee, or just blowing your nose to get the snot to stop drowning your throat) I'm trying to experiment with ways to solve this, because, much like my serious sensitivity to caffeine, I realize looking back at old streams, this is a constant thing, not just in winter, but summer and spring as well. 

I just don't want to wind up with sleep apnea. 

Anyway, fun time calls is still going on, and I'm loving the direction we are taking it, I find it refreshing and funny, and it's good doing it with your friends, spending an hour and catching up and just having bits prepared and not planned and seeing it unfold, where what becomes a normal video game conversation, becomes an accusation against me of being "a fake gamer" with a punishment of death.   If GSIS (pronounced "gee sis") is a therapy session with something I love and enjoy talking about... This is the chaos that I live with, a perfect Yin-Yang, which people would agree was "The Coolest Pog"

I haven't seen any movies the last two weeks, not because I'm lazy, it was just catching up with Giant Bomb content and finishing up some Cowboy Bebop and just having a swell time. 

Drum n Fun is actually a really fun game for Switch, the motion controls work for the game, I only wish it had more music from "The Blue Hearts" because while "TRAIN TRAIN" is good, my favorite "LINDA LINDA" is on the PS4 version... Maybe they'll have DLC? please? There is a Round 1 opening up soon in Burbank so I can't wait to go over there and check it out (even if we are getting a Dave and Buster's really soon!)

 And now the sad slump time! 

While I am enjoying my podcasts and having a fun time, I'm starting to feel like I'm just not cut out for the industry . Creatively, yes, I fit in. Clearly, I have a vision in mind for production and what the shows could be. (And yes, I am still looking for jobs, please contact me if you have one for me, I'm willing to help you work out that reboot of Tic Tac Dough)

But, I just think, maybe I'm just too out there? Maybe I'm too much of liability or a risk? Maybe I'm just annoying? I don't know! I just know the gig economy is kind of screwy when even my talented friends still struggle to make ends meet.

Like, even though I am following my heart and passion... I don't think there is a monetary reward for this. I don't have a Patreon in mind for this project, I don't see live shows in the forseeable future? But I'm prepared to see where the unknown takes me... And it could very well be any one of those options, or something completely unexpected. 

And isn't that ultimately what makes game shows interesting? People moving away from the sure-thing to take the risk in the unknown? 

I only hope, I'm not getting Zonked.   

Okay, it's almost 3am, I wrote for an hour. That's my cue to make sure this is in drafts and not published, because I usually post goodnight hamburgers instead.

 

Art credit goes here

upload.jpg

 (art by kittykun123 on deviantart)

And to end the posting, here's that 538 personality test!  

 

upload.jpg

Ladies and Gentlemen... I did the test, and here are the results...


As you can guess, I don't care about 538 Staffers

upload.jpg

The biggest number I got was "Openness to Experience" but I don't know, I have a degree in television, a podcast about game shows, and yet the worst drug I have done recently was "a ton of energy drink that gives me a depressing mood around 4am where i feel I am wasting my time" l

upload.jpg

Also, apparently, I am very high on the "agreeability" thing, because I am compassion and trustworthy? I mean, that's pretty cool, but I think it's because I have faith in the people I do trust, I am open to everybody at first, but I trust only those that share that passion 

upload.jpg

This one is about conscientious, and I think the writers of this article is saying "you aren't a narc, so i guess you're fine, but also WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS" and it's very passive-aggressive and I am kind of laughing my ass off reading it. 

upload.jpg

This one, regarding negative, is just an equilateral triangle. And the correct answer is - I get frustrated that things aren't moving, so I move onto the next idea, and hope it's better than the last one.


Other than that, the sadness comes from the fact I feel stagnant. 

upload.jpg

And finally, i like how they want to determine how extroverted i am, and i range "50 percent" on sociability, and yet really high on Energy Level and Assertiveness.


This is the second highest number on the test, and I barely count other than just having energy to say HELLO. 

 I wonder if this info 538 collected will be used to determine if I'm going to vote Jill Stein or somebody in the 2020 election.

A new computer

upload.jpg

It's the HP Omen. I gotta thank my Mom for the early Christmas present. (there is a towel under it only because I don't have a mat yet.

 I have a gaming computer again, and that means it's time to download PUBG and Fortnite! I'll see how some of my favorite games run. But also need to install some programs.

I did get final draft installed (still version 9) and just gotta find good video editing software. 

As you can see, it doesn't have a CD drive. We are living in the future! 

So I just gotta install a bunch of things, get back into recording podcasts and see if I can't go back into my twitch streams or even start working on that video show. 

Super Smash Brothers Ultimate is pretty fun, I enjoy it and talked about it on the latest fun time calls. The spirit mode is very addictive, but I am unsure about the grinding to unlock all the characters.

In addition, I am watching Deal or No Deal on CNBC, and it got me wondering more about story telling in game shows. (Not just creating characters from contestants, but in the format premise - how it's like a hostage negotiation between capitalist banker and hopeful contestant. Cases eliminated are clues to what's possibly in the case.) 

Finally, I created a game board for my game show "Five Stars" in tabletop simulator and I'm enjoying it.


upload.jpg

I hope to show you guys more soon. But I gotta mess around with the computer in a bit. I hope to update you all with more soon.


RIP COMPUTER

upload.jpg

So today, while watching my friend steam kingdom hearts on twitch, my computer died...

https://www.instagram.com/jordha/p/BrCM8YtH5hx/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1gwtr5fawjr4p

It was a long time coming. I got it in 2013. I just graduated college in television and film, thinking "I'll get a PC at home, and a MacBook for work" (I didn't have enough money lined up for both, and still don't know how many people in this industry can afford one)

And I never had a "gaming computer" except in second grade at my mom's office, and let me tell you, STREAM WENT REALLY DOWNHILL, AND I DON'T PLAY MOST OF THE GAMES I BOUGHT, AND ANY NEW ONES LIKE PUBG COULDN'T EVEN BE PLAYED ON IT ANYWAY. 

Anyway, I figure my focus was game shows and screenwriting, so as long as I was able to stream (which I did, everything from a news show, to a interactive game show about bingo), I should be fine... 

Don't worry about it, it was a Windows 8 that upgraded to Windows 10. It was bound to be a dinosaur soon. 

 Anyway, in those five years, I was still able to use final draft to create scripts (I even learned how to write comic books in it!)  and ultimately, it was a good time.

Of course, getting little offers for employment, I start getting restless and frustrated, and just tried to figure out what that next thing could be, and I would say this computer, red, was with me essentially as a security blanket for the unknown that was this decade. 

That means, as you can figure out, I am without a computer, which means, unable to screenwrite, or record and edit my podcasts. I'll see how to fix one of those soon. (The Anchor app does have magic)

 However, after a fire scare, I'm used to just being on phone for the time being. I'm lucky to be able to still watch television (the new deal or no deal is pretty good! Titans is still frustrating!) And play video games.

If anything, this is a sign that maybe I should step back a bit in figuring out where I belong, and that discovery of new ideas and ways to be creative.

I have put money in savings for an instance, but it did not surprise me one bit it would happen.   It's five years old, the motor was slowing down and the insides were so caked with dust (and sut) that it was a question of timing. Cleaning it wasn't going to help.  Upgrading the parts would actually be MORE than replacing.  (Thanks crypto, for screwing me btw!)

upload.jpg

So right now I'm reading comic books, and writing on my phone. I love writing, articles and these weird rants and diatribes were my talent for a decade. However, with social media on the rise (and medium, whatever that means) pretty much that means things like this is essentially worthless, other than, as a relic from days gone by, or something that if copied and pasted would be one and a half pages on a book that nobody would read.

It's tough trying to find out what my next thing could be, and being without a computer for a few weeks, should be ok.

But with Christmas approaching, I might have to cut a few expenses to make sure I could get some presents to friends, which is tough. But if I budget it out, I should still be ok.

Yes, I am frustrated.  But it's less because "I'm out a computer" and more "lack of direction and nobody helping me push into a certain direction"

I don't think many people care, really. 

If I didn't have a phone, and didn't have a computer, I doubt anybody would care I'm still around. That's the upsetting thing. 

 But, it's lightly raining, its windy, and the cold breeze is slipping through the doors, the weather stripping isn't helping.

upload.jpg

So I'm taking the good with the bad, the year is almost over, and yet again, more of the same will happen. As much as I know I'm talented, I don't think it'll get me that far. I have been proven wrong before.

Anyway, I do not need your donations, trust me, there are toy charities right now you could donate to, food shelters that need time and money, people still needing a place to stay because of wildfires. Me without a computer for a bit, will be fine. 

I would plug a patreon, but I don't think anybody listens to it. They do listen to Fun Time Calls though. But as I said in the top, unsure about how to record and edit.  

But hey, if you want to help me out, you could always just ask me questions on curiouscat.

Thank you anybody for reading this, I'll keep you updated. Well, obviously, it's my website. What else would I be doing? 

 

A Sleep Deprived Rant

upload.jpg

 I should probably note I'm actually a much better writer than whatever it is I'm going to write in the next twenty minutes.

As is the case, Thanksgiving Week, much like these Winter months, just makes the sad slumps worse.  There's a multitude of reasons, marketing for families, while mine is very limited, The daylight savings time messes with my equilibrium, the arguments you get just because somehow arguments are needed, and then for me, and I've had this feeling for the longest time, a feeling of hopelessness.

I think the next year will be better, maybe this will be the year, I do something exciting, maybe this is the year I'm in a project I'm happy about, maybe this year, I'll write that book, or finish that screenplay, and even if I do, why bother? I just crash and burn. The other things, the things to look forward to, the dream gigs, the stuff I'd like to do, I feel like I'm out of time, out of my league, or over my head. 

And no matter how many times I say "but are you satisfied?" or "but you aren't putting yourself in that box, you could still do anything", it just hits me, just a bit worse.

I exercise, but I know I'm not "ripped", I'm not one of these Instagram models, or REALLY good cosplayers (like holy cow, they are good!) And I originally exercised to stop cramping, and feeling depressed, but I don't know if it's working now. (And no, I don't fall in line with the pumpkin spice, turkey, peppermint trend that hits this year), and I'm trying NOT to compare myself to others (I'm the first Jordan, not a second anybody else) but what happens is,  then there is that chance, that people like me. They actually think I'm attractive. And I don't know how to take the compliment.

I'm not trying to be flirty, it's really bad. I think after all these years of trying to figure out who I am, and so much sself-deprecation in my comedy and writing, it caused me to lose my ability to love myself. So when I see something like "you are cute" or "hey handsome", I know it's a sign you want to flirt with me, or just give me a compliment, but in my head I'm going "they are kidding, it's a joke, nobody likes you"

And I think in doing so, I have pushed away so many people. I give off the appearance that I am either too good for you, or I have this wall to protect myself, because anything could harm me.

(This counts as a therapy session right?) 

So, this feeling of unloved, and nobody around to feel this sense of love and belonging, or even a "you matter", it does hurt. So many cool things I'd love to do, but I lack the finances (I can't afford SDCC, sorry!)  

Sometimes I talk myself out - "I have claustrophobia of people, I can't stand large crowds" (which is true, my biggest random anxiety, despite being able to public surreal and be on stage no problem)  

But I know it's multiple reasons, transportation, it's too far away, it's financial, I can't afford it (seriously, how can you afford a Disneyland Annual Pass?!?), and it's just distance. 

The ironic part is being in LA, where everything is a drive away, but Uber and Lyft are how you mostly get around (and those are still pricy) 

And so, you feel isolated, you feel lost, and you try and find ways to cope with this sadness.

For me, I try and get lost in creative, I write stories, I create game show formats, I try and watch as much as I can, read as much as I can, try and learn the pieces. 

However, when I just run out of ideas, I crash, and that's the "creative crash" that is the cause of many sad slumps (I don't call it depression, depression is more serious, in my mind, I don't think I've hit that yet - possible hypomania maybe) 

Or in some cases, you just can't do stuff that you enjoy, my computer is very show and laggy, that I just can't live stream anymore without a really bad delay or lag, or just 7fps, so I'm trying to save up to get one, maybe an imac, just to get back into editing and writing that way (PC gaming is fine, but I just lost interest)

I'm not saying I'm bad with money, but I do know when there is a sad slump, some people do "retail therapy" to feel better.  But around Black Friday? That doesn't help. 

I bought Hitman 2, Red Dead Redemption 2 and Tetris Effect. 

That is over $160 spent in such short time, and while there was this feeling of "instant gratification", I just thought to myself "I just blew my entire computer savings for this" 

And I still spent money on lightning deals, because burnout paradise, or extending a membership, and it's just... ugh. I think this might have been intentional, and I'm annoyed in myself for purchasing for that one moment of excitement, but also annoyed it's all happening right now, at a time I am trying to improve. I am pretty sure I'll be in debt by the end of December, but I hope I have enough lined up soon, I don't want to be in the red.

Anyway, in place of what I'm watching, I'll just do some quick reviews of these games and call it a night, before trying to sleep. 

Hitman 2 is very fun, I love a nice sandbox where they want you to try and do new things in the same scenario and location, it provides more of the same, but I know it's one of those games I need to strategize better, I'm bad at stealth, and this game is no exception. 

Red Dead Redemption 2 is okay, I see why people enjoy the horses, but I think I'm just getting tired with open world games doing the same "go from x to y" while an event occurs. I understand that's a very core principle of gaming, but I think go somewhere, do a crime, come back, it's tiring at least for me, it's good, I enjoy the customizing and the story, and trying to play on the "good side" of the law. 

Tetris Effect  reminds me of Rez, but with Tetris, I think it's the asethic, mixed with music and beats, sometimes I am overwhelmed with the theming and I do get anxiety and headaches and that's not even if a s block is in the field. However, others are very calming and make me feel much better to get lost in. I enjoy it just in a sense of meditation, in the form of video game.

I don't know what's next for me yet, I still have a month and a half left in this year, but hey, feel free to invite me over to your  podcast. I'll try and get a better headshot. 

 i don't know if I'll ever be successful, but I hope to be satisfied with that result.

anyway, I gotta try and end this bummer of an article on a fun note - umm... Apparently Panda Express has hot chicken now? That's pretty sweet. 

I'll try and eat those mini cinnabon and a whole pizza tomorrow to feel better. 

https://youtu.be/8u2rEmIVBrk

Rest

upload.jpg

Last Tuesday, I voted and thought that was gonna be the end of it... But then borderline happened...

I grew up in the area, so it's very heartbreaking to see my city in the national spotlight, and reading Twitter of friends heartbroken because they know somebody who was there, or a friend of a friend...

I thought that was it, it couldn't get worse, but then we had the wildfire...  

 For a good week, I had this in drafts, trying to figure out what to say in regards to not one, but two tragedies, thoughts and prayers? That's not good enough....

Obviously, we need gun reform. If it was me, I would ban it all so only military can use them, not even police... HOWEVER, allow them for hunting in sport (under designated zones) and have gun ranges be for rentals, so give them automatics, fuck, give people flame throwers! Anybody who had to gun, tries to look cool and take selfies, and try to look badass on YouTube... When in actuality, they look like dorks trying to do Boondock Saints fanfilms.

We need a huge surge in mental health in this country, not just with our veterans (and I think it's a disservice, especially because veterans day happened, to just throw them back into civilian life, expecting them to reassemble, it's nearly impossible) We need to make sure the vets are taken care of, as well as ourselves. There is still a stigma in this country about therapy, PTSD and depression. There is still this "men don't cry" attitude, and "facts don't care about your ffeelings" that jeopardizes the need to discuss emotions and feelings... It's these kind of people who try and act tough, who hold back, that become isolated and start to seek destruction, because that's the only "emotion" a macho dude could have, it seems... And it's not just incorrect, it's dangerous! We can all get better in this!

Finally, the wild fire, I was sleep deprived when the fire hit, and got evacuated twice. I had nowhere to go, and spent the night inside the back of the car, unsure of what would happen, conserving my energy and phone energy just to make it through... I am lucky enough to have survived, and my home in one piece, and I thank the VCFD, The Police for Crowd Control, and the Fire fighters all over this state, and across the country fighting these flames... It's really upsetting going "that's where i went to Blockbuster Video and picked up Sonic 2 for the first time" and "that's where I went to high school" and "I had a friend who lived up there!" And all these memories flashing over at once... I'm lucky, but unfortunately, others weren't. I hope their houses are rebuilt, and they have places to stay. Many animals are still sheltered, and I hope they see their families real soon. So many people wondering if it's safe to go home, and there is still uncertainty, until the winds stop.  I'm glad I made it, I just put away my duffel bag of clothes, hoping I don't get a siren and bullhorn from the police telling me to leave, as I'm in danger.

Which leaves me to, right now... I'm fine, emotionally, still a wreck, but it's a work in progress...

As we are near the end of 2018, I am trying to come up with positive things that happened for me, eventful things creatively, yeah, I did a podcast, yeah, I HAD a twitch show... but that seems to be just it. I haven't improved creatively, I'm still unsure if I'm a writer, a host, or an actor... I don't want to be a pundit, but yet, I have this idea for a YouTube show, but i don't know if it's good or not, and I'm holding off... but I feel it might be too late. I know I'm way more creative than that. But it feels, at least to me, that I'll never get there. I write here to vent, but also to get inspired... And I just hit that creative crash.

 For self care, I am just exercising a bit while watching the price is right and let's make a deal, they are both feel good shows, but i know I could be doing something, but my mind isn't going anywhere... It's a bit lost, to say the least.

And now, I found out the passing of Stan Lee. As this was almost done. I never met him. I know who he was, I know his impact. I saw the cameos. I saw him as someone even bigger than Walt Disney, a guy who was excited to talk about his characters and their adventures as he was the moral lessons involved. His passing has went waves to comic book fans all across the world, and he got to see his creations (along with Ditko and Kirby) become epic Blockbuster movies, and have llongevity and immortality... 

It's never too late, he never got his break until his 40s, and it's something to think about, rather you're a guy about to hit 30 thinking "well I sure e fucked up" or an energetic kid in their early 20s. I still think anything is possible, I still think there is hope out there, and good things can and will happen, not just to me, but to all of us, we just have to discover what they are.

I don't know what that is for me, quite yet, I still think I have talent in certain areas, but it's always very difficult to show off, let alone explain. 

But something tells me, given this economy, it's best used as "a hobby" and not something to cash on... (insert sigh here)

Maybe that's why we rest, that's why we recover, we all need breaks sometimes, to let us know we are human, and catch our breath, and try and figure out, what exactly our goals are? 

I'm still finding mine. 

I don't know what's going on.

upload.jpg

So, since I last updated, it was a week of just pure yuck. My computer AND my phone were factory reset. A few days between the other (note to self - just do what Kanye does and just do pin and make it 00000 next time)

 So all sorts of documents gone, it took a while, but I managed to get audacity working to edit a podcast.

Let's just say, it was frustrating. But luckily, I did save a bunch on the Google Drive and we are good to go!

I was originally gonna make a video of my new series, talking about Red Dead Redemption 2, and the 100 hour work week, and the strain it puts on developers and artists, but I think it is too late, people have the game. People like the game, what difference does it make? A video like mine in the sea of conservative vids calling people they don't like NPCs (was "cuck" too passe?) It just didn't feel right.

I was thinking if I'm gonna make these videos, even if it's just a blatant ripoff of charlie brookers  screenwipe again, I should just make it unlisted with the videos embed here. Give this place some CONTENT like all your favorite streaming services!

what have I been up to?

I played jackbox party pack 5, I think it's the best jackbox pack, so far, I love the games that are played, my favorite will always be you don't know jack.  

I am installing Soul Calibur 6 as we speak, because console gaming is somehow safe for the time being. I bet it will play "just fine" 

I cancelled VRV, but will be back with them in a few months time, I don't care much about anime, but I haven't been seeing much except talking toons on that platform. NOT EVEN FIGURE IT OUT helped me out. 

Instead I got CBS ALL ACCESS, because I'm a game show dork, and I can take The Price is Right and Let's Make a Deal with me wherever I go. So of course, I'm gonna be doing that! 

Finally, I donated to Podcast : The Ride's patreon called "The Second Gate" and it's a ton of fun, their first episode is about Disney Quest!

Other than that, Titans felt like a show that was rushed into production and at least to me, it's a hot mess, but audiences don't care as long as Dick Grayson is a cutie (he is) and they get all the fan service (FLYING GRAYSONS, Allusions to Ravens, etc.)  

I know there is an audience for this show, DC was confident to give it a second season before the pilot even launched... But looking at social media... It's not that big? It's not the size of Riverdale or even Legends of Tomorrow for that matter... Maybe they wanted to go for niche? 

I have no idea, I am trying to not hit a sad slump, one hit me Thursday/Friday and just wrecked yesterday until I was able to watch a baseball game... on television. Although I wouldn't mind an ice cream served in a baseball helmet.

 In conclusion, yeah, I just hit another speed bump, but hopefully things will be looking up soon. I have to hang on.

What now?

upload.jpg

so I think I jinxed myself, my last two twitch streams have been an absolute mess, it was laggy, so much latency, and then looking back, it was almost unwatchable.

 As much as I do not care about the numbers of people, I do care about quality, namely in terms of how it looks and is presented.

But because things have been getting bad, I now  no longer can stream on twitch for the time being

 This time around, it is out of my hands, I can clean the computer, defrag, but I honestly just need a new computer at this point. I enjoyed gaming on a PC, but I think it's best to stick to consoles for the time being  and might just save up for a Mac again.

 I mostly use my computer to write, edit and watch stuff. Final Cut, Final Draft and Final Fantasy 7: The Spirits Within...

 There are a few games that are PC only, but I'm not so committed to video games to care anymore... I like video games, but I mostly am just playing on switch these days.

So now, I just gotta figure out  what's next?

With no more Night Night, for the time being, I can't stream Monday or Friday... So all I have left is a podcast to edit and record. 

   What's troubling to me, is figuring out my talents, and how to do something.

I have nothing going for me "offline" (in the real world) so I had twitch for a while to keep me talking to people and make cool friends. 

But now, I dunno...  

I do NOT want to go back to YouTube.   Social media has damaged all of us. So many of us are fictional versions of ourselves with the intent to sell that image with sponsored content or get a deal with some company.

I can't fake it. I can act it, but I'm not worthy of a parasocial relationship. 

I also dislike YouTube so much, algorithms give you the shittiest people, those with big subscriber counts get treated differently than those just starting out. And even then, you have to be this fake character for the rest of your "career" doing beauty tips or unboxing videos, or eating food... That's it, that's your life now. The guy who is excited about happy meal toys. 

From conservative nihilistic Nazis who hate lgbts to "cringe compilations"  of some teenager crying because she hates bullying. The internet, to put it nicely, is garbage.

I don't know what to do next. But something tells me, as much as I dislike it, I might have to return to my roots as a Charlie Brooker knockoff.

https://youtu.be/aaVhyURSfZU

 One of my all time favorite shows on television was Charlie Brooker Screenwipe, a program all about television. Even before I did the foolish thing of going "yeah television sounds great" Charlie was there going "is it though? Is it great? Are you sure?" And painted the dour, realistic look at television. He didn't sugar coat it, some shows are just plain terrible with no intention on being good for society, just as something to air in between commercials for car insurance.

For a good majority of my time online, I wrote much like his screen burn columns in the guardian, and had a few (failed) YouTube series that just stole the snarky asshole gimmick. 

But in today's YouTube landscape, EVERYBODY has an opinion, in fact there is a comment section where you can call people "gay" because they like a cartoon that you  don't. And they come in so many flavors, from angry Republican wanting his 15 minutes of Fame, to the Leftist spitballing Junior year Philosophy as if it's revolutionary.

The truth is, none of us are safe. All of us ARE a commodity, and it's all based on what you click and view. 

If I was to make a video tomorrow called "Analysis: Titans" maybe 12 people would watch it? But if I had a thumbnail of myself looking like I saw some breasts on the cover of one of the thousand "American Pie" movies with the caption "SJW TUMBLR MOB RULE CRINGE FAIL COMPILATION FORTNITE #69" no doubt it might get at least a thousand views. 


upload.jpg

I took this photo while taking a dump. It's no different than maybe 75% of the reactionary thumbnails you see on most YouTube videos catered towards boys 18-24. 

Will I go back to YouTube? 

Maybe. I do not think my place is on YouTube anymore. However, there is this big empty void left in the world because Charlie Brooker is a bit busy making Emmy winning television shows that maybe he can't make it to the phone right now... That I have to leave that message? 

But honestly, it's too little too late. Media analysis is now "Cinema Sins" or groups of people talking about movies so you pretend that you are their friends while watching. 

I'm a guy...  

That's it. 

And no matter what I say, no matter if it's in text, or on video... It will be ignored. 

These companies do not give a shit about you.   They just want to please advertisers. 

Me, I don't know you. But I know I want to figure out what I'm really good at, and seeing, if what baby boomers have told me is true, I could get PAID for it.

But probably not. I'm not really fitting in any one group. So that's a toughie. 

But hey, I got a contact form now... and if I could figure out how to edit on Windows 10 (and my computer won't crap out on me) I could try and do it.

But who knows?

promotionals. 


upload.jpg

I drank this, I don't know if there is caffeine, but it's really good. If I start blabbering on Twitter tonight, this would be the reason. But I do enjoy it. I found it at CVS.

I also have been watching The Price is Right and Let's Make a Deal  on CBS all access. I don't care much for their sitcoms, survivor is "just ok" in my book, but the fact I don't have to be sick from school to watch these shows and it can play on my phone or PS4 is so convenient. I might have to check out the new Star Trek show at this rate!

And finally...  TITANS.  i was thinking of writing a huge wall of text about it, but the truth is, all we got is the pilot. The pilot is ALWAYS bad. But there is some accent breaking with the actors, and it follows all the same tropes as all these DCTV shows (like arrow, flash, etc). It is set in Detroit, yet filmed in Canada... What? I enjoyed all the scenes with Starfire, but the ones involving Raven and even Dick Grayson needed work. Brenton is great in delivering the lines, he is presented as charming and witty, but very protective and introverted, it is the BEST of these live action dctv shows, but it's like picking your favorite "beanboozled flavor" from it's violence for violence sake, to "fuck for the sake of fuck" it's trying to be Daredevil on Netflix, but we know the direction of the show will be more like Riverdale. Expect more shirtless scenes and a love story about Starfire and Robin and the drama of balancing Romance with being a hero that saves the world, much like Oliver and Felicity on Arrow or Barry and Iris on The Flash... It is more of the same. I know I won't get different, but I'll take it. Now please give George Perez credit? 

B- 

October Surprise

upload.jpg

I get to update this again, because that seems like fun. It's 12:35 on October 2nd when I started.

So first off - let's address the sad slump, I think it is a mix of two things. Sleep deprevation and caffeine.  

Sleep deprevation is caused by me on social media watching and binging all sorts of shows and then losing track of time (or in this case, writing an article) 

 Also, the caffeine in coffee and soda has messed with my head for  the longest time. I have to say decades.   

I did not know I was this weak with the stuff, it tastes good, I enjoy root beer floats, so many other things, but it just wasn't right. I couldn't write without hating myself or something else, and I know that isn't me... I had to make a stand and stop. 

I don't know how long until I get back into that, but it seriously effected me and my talent, and I can't do anything right and juggle and panic... 

So I stopped.   

September 24 was the day I had my last soda    and I posted about it on social media

https://www.instagram.com/p/BoH6rJUgYx3/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=dw77q7juefzz

 I am not expecting applause, or support, because even though I am trying to work on getting better, I gotta face the fact that I'm NOT an online influencer, or one of these big time YouTube people with hundreds of thousands of views, I know maybe 5 or 6 people might read this, 4 out of love, 1 out of malice, and 1 by accident (sorry guy who came by accident!)

The truth is - that is a struggle in my head, that I don't think will ever go away in terms of figuring out myself and what to do. Because I know I love hosting, writing, creating, comedy and acting... but everything is going online, and spending so much hours online in my teenage through today, I kind of loathe it.

I don't feel like I fit-in anymore, I feel like my job is just to "sell myself" and a lifestyle or brand and career to people, like it's a reality show character, and you have to be flat, one dimensional species. 

I can't do that. 

I get angry at Republicans because they are all morally bankrupt, because to them, it doesn't matter because it's in favor the Cardinal rule of capitalism - those with money, holds all the power (they are playing by the rules, but I find it scummy) 

I get angry at Democrats who see anybody suffering as a "feel good" story to share, but then forget about when the next bad thing happens. What happened to the Pulse Nightclub people? What about NAPL? Does Flint finally have drinking water? There are so many fires, and all I see is "VOTE", well, yeah voting is important, but it comes across like fire fighters periscoping their rescue... It doesn't matter unless you have footage and can "share" it.  You gotta hold for applause when you do that Trump takedown that FINALLY makes morally bankrupt people see "oh yeah I'm in the wrong"

I am simply not happy with any of this, and the quest for joy rests in figuring out ultimately what WOULD make me happy.

Thankfully, after waning off of carbonated sodas aimed at teenagers who love dirtbikes or fortnite, I have gotten way better at stopping myself from just going "you are wasting your time" I might be venty, but I am actually happy!

So here's what happened.   

i had to drop one podcast, I couldn't juggle it anymore, and I had to drop one day of my twitch show, as it also wasn't worth it. The time crunch of editing a podcast or recording, it was making the process not fun, and that SHOULD BE the important part of streaming to be  sharing what I love, so I find that love back.

Fun Time Calls is on ITunes (and others)

My twitch show is fun, so I extended those out to just Monday AND Friday, with the podcast moved to Wednesday, which I actually enjoy, I hope my new plan with these work out. 

But to reiterate - I'm not trying to be a social media star.   

I just think having that small crowd from my discord, and new people joining me here and there, or real life friends seeing what I'm doing and support me that one or two times, that's all I need. 

The problem is, I know that's not good. Unless I'm super talented in something, unless I have the social media klout, nobody would hear from me. That's the sad way of this industry. 

I don't have representation, I don't have an agent, I don't even know what to send on my reel - the twitch show where I talk to Alexa or the podcast where I sigh repeatedly at (really funny) bits and creative ideas my friends come up with... 

It's a feeling of being lost, and yes, a feeling of hopelessness, at least to me, I know I have the talent, but i think it's just luck, mixed with just poor timing that's led me to give up time and time again... 

I just gotta figure out that sense of belonging. 

So that's why I decided to make myself a routine to do EVERY DAY

 

upload.jpg

yes, I could have embed a Twitter link, but I saved it to my phone for memory (it is also pinned) and this is explanation why...

  WATCH 1 GAME SHOW I am so happy to know so many people in the world of game shows, like any field, there are good months and bad months, but even though that struggle is there, I can't, CAN'T, lose my ability to love this genre of television. So rather it's a new UK format (like "Chase the Case"), a new reboot (like "Double Dare") or just an existing show right now (like a "Jeopardy") it's now a need, at least on my creative focus, from the game theory, to set design, to package and casting, I do break it down, and I know that feeling won't go away. (Hey game show friends who might read this, send me a positive message on Facebook sometime)

https://youtu.be/NNFV8QdRa5Q

READ 1 COMIC BOOK    I watched a bunch of taking toons and Rob Paulsen made it seem like voice over is the place to go. I had all these doubts about this, because I am not good at singing, I can't pronounce things correctly sometimes, I don't have a range and break accents as badly as a DCTV series with that good looking model... but then I read Voice-Over Voice Actor by Tara Platt and Yuri Lowenthal. I can't spoil that book, because it goes into detail about everything from auditions to microphones for private studio... but the book did offer one piece of advice - the important part isn't how many different voices you can do, but how you can practice with the ones you can do, even if it's just yourself. 

And you could line-read all you want, I think that's very helpful, but I have been reading PDF scripts since dial-up modems. From South Park to Batman 1989, screenplays were a thing online to find and read, tv shows or movies, it's kind of the fun that got me into screenwriting (over actual creative writing with chapters and essays)

But I figure, reading screenplays, while common, just isn't fun. Especially if it's movies I already know. So I figure the next best thing is comic books, you have multiple characters, faces describe emotion and action, there is narration, and reading it takes a good 20 minutes. (1 page per minute, much like a movie) 

Treat it like a storyboard, and just talk it out, it doesn't matter if I screw up accents, or can't do a good female voice, it's the fun of talking through a comic that makes it so much fun. 

(Hey DC, Quick idea for a format for your streaming service - get voice over actors to read out loud comic books, it's fun!) 

It's better than being a snob with microphones and switchboards, I just want to practice, I am not trying to land a part on Voltron (although hey, I am available 😉) 

 SAY NO TO CAFFEINE i haven't had a soda in a week, I haven't had a coffee or tea either, it was national coffee day on Sunday and I didn't even drink the free coffee drink I got for buying a cupcake. Yeah, I might say no to soda, but I know I need some sugar in my life or else I will crash and burn. Currently, all I have is some fruit punch Gatorade, I'm not doing lacroix, I don't want to burp, I just gotta find a alternative that will work for me, even if it just winds up being chocolate milkshake and orange smoothies or even protein drinks, I just can't handle it. It messed me up, and that's why I just say no.

JUST DO A BIT OF EXERCISE BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT because of dehydration with water, cramping, not feeling focused, I just never got back into my rhythm with exercise, while it would look SUPER NICE to lose a few pounds and gain some muscle mass and abs, I know one thing and that's that it takes time and patience, and some people it's easier for, that much like what I'm doing - just do the fun stuff! Pick up weights and dance with them, do some wiifit, it doesn't matter if I'm not toned, toning comes with time, and if I go back in right now, it could be very dangerous, but hey, if casting needs "a sexy brooding cutie", I will gladly spend a few hours at the gym to fix things, but right now, I need to take care of myself, and I should do just the fun things!

DO SOMETHING NICE I am just sick of assholes trying to exclude women and minorites and queer people in things I enjoy. Rather it's Comic Books, Video Games or Movies. Every day, I browse around the Twitter and Discord. I see so many talented artists and writers, and it doesn't hurt to give them that retweet, or send them a comment letting them know even if it feels like this original project they are making is going nowhere - that it probably has already helped somebody struggling feel comfort that they haven't had. So many assholes trying to grift socially awkward, morally selfish individuals into thinking if it's not a straight white male, it's "feminists taking your toys away". Either thinking "everybody's already equal and now I'm going to be left out" or "it's about me not you, get a new hobby". And time and time again, I do see people hurt, I see people who  are in my shoes. Lacking confidence in themselves to continue drawing, to continue writing that next chapter in a story, because to them "I'm a nobody" or "Nobody wants to see a character that's (insert not-wasp trait here)" and even if it's to chime in to say "you never know unless you try" or simply finding a creator or writer of something you enjoy, and letting them know because of their projects from your childhood, it got you interested in something, you have no idea how much it would make them feel. 

Because, at least in my mind, if we are going to fucking live in a fucking reality show, you might as well come across as one of the "heroes" in the show, even if you get betrayed by a villain so they get ahead, even if you fail every challenge but have a smile on your face, never lose sight on optimism, and pointing out that the villains just want to take every advantage to win, and sometimes, it really is all about making friends. 

So do something nice, even if it's just helping your neighbor or friend get something. Even if they don't thank you, just know that maybe sometime in the near future, some stranger might help you out and change your life for the better! 

PROMOTIONS

I guess VRV got rid of running man, but I have been watching "Talking Toons with Rob Paulsen" I enjoy it still, but I recently just cancelled my subscription, luckily he does have the podcast on audio, and I definitely will just go back to it in December and just binge all 12 episodes I missed in a sitting. 

I also watched on Amazon Prime "DocuMental" a reality game show from Japan where 10 contestants pony up a million yen of their own money to prove they are the funniest person in the room, with one simple rule - you laugh you lose. I didn't know Japanese comedy was just how quickly it could trickle down to gay pornography I would find on PornHub, but sure! It is however very funny at the introspective on how to get comedians, who heard every joke there is, to laugh. 

Giant Bomb has a great new series called Jeff Gerstmann's Pro Skater where Jeff goes through every Tony Hawk game, and it's just so enjoyable to be so nostalgic over a video game I spent weekends playing.

I have been listening to Podcast the Ride, a theme park podcast in the same vein as Doughboys, but with theme park rides, and they have done a daily, 19  part, extremely necessary series talking about the stores, restaurants, and wonderful magic that make up Universal CityWalk Hollywood. There is a sector keeper that's a ghost, they didn't talk about the five towers stage, I think that's bullshit.

Also tonight I watched Cuplicated on Vioobu and I busted out laughing. Some of my favorite people in comedy (and podcasting) appear in this PERFECT satire of streaming services, as well as the trope of comedians doing dramas (complete with nods to Louie and Master of None, and totally didn't predict their awful behavior) . I seriously fell over laughing, the last time that happened was Hidden America with Jonah Ray. Be sure to find "Clip Cup" to find a great satire of clip show comedy shows. It is so fucking good!

And finally,  as much as I just faded out of wrestling, I still find amazing charm, comedy and entertainment when it comes to Bryan and Vinny show   on vimeo. I do not subscribe to the newsletter, I don't use the message board, but this podcast where they talk retro raw, retro wcw, and modern ppvs from New Japan, it just fascinates me, and is the same level of passion and enjoyment that I get from so many of my favorite podcasts. Producer Rob is fantastic and I hope Bryan Alvarez pays him enough from his gold boat that he can have a gold Sea-Doo, or maybe at the very least, a gold boogie board!

Now if you excuse me, I have to figure out why I still sweat too much before bedtime (and no, it's not honking one out) 

 

Have a Good Summer

upload.jpg

hi friends, it's been a while, it's time for another update, I gotta do something with this more often.

anyway, night night in twitch has a cool set, I enjoy making it, however, i find myself fearful my computer might crash and that might end the run. I like the look and feel, but the problem is the last few weeks had no real news stories to discuss just videos to watch, and I just don't want this twitch show to be pinned down, if it gets political and talks about awful people trying to get diverse voices out of hobbies that have created consumer identities, or if it's just a fun loving show where I get excited about ice cream, who knows?  but I want to keep that going, but I might do Monday and Friday, but Wednesday was meant for catch up, so who knows? I hope you all like it, please use your twitch sub on me, I hope to be myself still.

Because the last two are the real juggles, kirbysclubhouse, while fun because I can get a bit more political and in depth of the game and nerdy stuff, I did it originally because I wanted something that had guests and friends talking and it would always rotate, but I'm finding fatigue most in something that takes the less amount of effort, maybe it is good to find a different date? Maybe something else eentirely.

The other podcast, fun time calls, is probably my favorite thing, it's me, and my friends Ian and Jack and it becomes a surreal show that's part bits, part fast conversation, and it just feels chaotic yet enjoyable... my problem stems with editing the show as I input sound effects and sometimes pull bad jokes or insert sfx and other jokes. It takes hours to make, but it seems like I don't advertise it that much... It's on iTunes! Check it out! 

 outside of internet stuff...

I finished Spider-Man for PS4, and it's a really good video game. I think it's the best Spiderman game by far, but some of my problems with Arkham Games are still in this, including my hate of stealth and jump scares. But I got Spiderman in their underwear on Avengers tower so that was really good!

upload.jpg

the other thing I did was start watching VRV, I signed up a day BEFORE the announcement of 90s Nick shows showing up, and fell in love. Not only is it home to some of my favorite seeso shows (Hidden America, MY BROTHER MY BROTHER AND ME) but also some crunchy roll stuff (dragon ball super, Yuri on ice) and also I got a couple shows I watched and enjoy and felt the need to give them a great shout out, because I could!

  Hardcore Tabletop  by Rooster Teeth is very good, I only knew rooster teeth over a decade ago as a fan of Red vs Blue, but I barely know any of the people on the show, or the references, but the presentation is what sells it, as it's comedic yet also played like a high stakes game of Monopoly (as they play with real money, and there is a jail under the table) it's really really good, it makes me understand a bit of YouTube culture and wanting to "be with your friends on the internet"

Talking Toons with Rob Paulsen       from Nerdist is also on VRV and it's the most fascinating talk show as the guests themselves are voice over artists talking about the trade, how they got involved and the projects they love and the business they enjoy, Rob is very delightful, with plenty of stories from his decades in voice acting, and seeing the variations, from video games to anime to online content and the classic and modern cartoons you know and love. You get to appreciate what it takes in the industry (and he was successfully able to sell me into a few books here and there for my own selfish reasons)

Running Man is the last show to discuss, it comes from DramaFever, and it's a fascinating Korean "variety show" that is tough to describe except as "never-ending game show" each episode has a new game featuring celebrity guests, crazy outcomes and hilarious moments that could only be a cross between "Impractical Jokers" with the reactions and punishments and the ensemble cast and a game show like "The Amazing Race" with a new location every episode. The fact the show hasn't ended yet speaks volumes to the shows success and translates amazingly for Western viewers here in America. I assure you, if you love things like taskmaster, you would enjoy this game show!

Now I gotta go sleepy time! 

FUN TIME CALLS?


So, I decided to make a podcast on the internet again. I do not know if this is good or not, but I thought it was funny. I hope you enjoy this podcast that has a name, I think it is called "Fun Time Calls", there is no prank calls on this podcast, but I think the fun comes from the discussions in the calls, because that's why it's called fun time calls.

Also, I don't like skittles. I like sour skittles more.

DOWNLOAD THE PODCAST HERE

OR SCROLL DOWN AND ADD THE RSS TO YOUR PHONE