MEDIA LITERACY IS DEAD

Hi Internet, it’s Jordan. Can we talk candidly for one moment?

When I was a little kid on the early AOL days of Internet, it was so cool being able to talk movies, video games, television and so on. I got to make so many friends. And, surprisingly, still do.

However, when Web 1.0 became Web 2.0, we wound up having to be this never ending take machine. We need to update everybody what we are doing, where we are going, and what is our thoughts on just about everything.

We’re livetweeting E3, getting hyped for games that will guarantee to disappoint us at launch, with the most underwhelming Preorder Bonuses if we give GameStop Power To The Players, our five smackers (or most likely the $80 because we need some cosmetic that we won’t get to see until we beat the game, which will be never)

For Sports Fans, they still get the thrill of this, however, because every facet of your human life is now on a camera on your phone, feel free to go to a Gambling App and Fantasy Draft away your $500 on your local, losing, team.

Make sure you watch Barstool, where people just like you, can consume the sports and vomit takes. Make sure you watch Stephen A Smith also vomit up a take for you to echo on the Internet.

Don’t worry, if Sports isn’t your fancy, there is big boy Sports – Politics! As really ugly grandparents, drunk aunts, and divorce dads fight for the right to make your life worse, and blame the others for it. Are you unemployed? Replaced by a Robot? Student Loans are high? About to lose your home? Can’t afford health care? Well, there are ILLEGALS WHO ARE USING THE MONEY, no wait, it’s WOKE, THE WOKE IS WHY THE BAD IS HAPPENING, but while these TERRIBLE PEOPLE ARE DEHUMANIZING TRANS PEOPLE and GETTING RID OF WOMEN’S RIGHTS, it’s a good time to vote for me to stop that, but when it comes to to have the pen, do nothing, BECAUSE WE NEED TO HEAL AND NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR GAY RIGHTS.

So while you’re drowning in anxiety in real life, there are dorks on the Internet ready to be your mama bird and vomit up every bad take imaginable, so you’ll be fed just enough to vomit up the same opinion online and keep going. This could go from Joe Rogan’s “Cancel Culture” rants while on qualudes to an Alex Jones “they want to kill you” conspiracy, to sickening shit like QAnon, where you wind up harming people, because of something you have no idea about. I LOVE BEING A FREE SPEECH WARRIOR, but really want to ban Captain Underpants in schools! Also, theory why slavery is bad (and most colonialists are terrible people)

It's partially the fault of our education system, but not that of our English Teachers. They’ve been teaching pronouns as early as 1st Grade, but somehow, grown adults never got word and they think “Patriot” and “MAGA” could be.

Where is Johnny? Patriot is at the lunch counter eating MAGA sandwich.

But the topic isn’t just regular literacy, it’s normal literacy.

For the longest time, I’ve been a harsh critic of Internet Critics. James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd, is a funny little YouTube show where a guy gets mad at retro games. The games are broken, they are difficult, or are cheap tie-ins. He poops on Bugs Bunny, he’s almost been doing this for 20 years, he’s a dad now.

This lead to the surge of clones, from a guy angry about anime (me) to Nostalgia Critic, upset about movies? To Linkara, who is upset about comic books, to Nostalgia Chick, a lady reviewer doing the Nostalgia Critic.

However, the later two – Linkara and Nostalgia Chick have both switched up their style, Chick has become simply Lindsay Ellis and Linkara is still Linkara, but the focus is Media Essays about the very things they’ve consumed.

YouTube, does have a great list of Media Essays, from Hbomberguy, to Defunctland to Nick Knacks. And science learning through Mark Rober and Tom Scott. You can learn from YouTube.

You can actually learn from content creators.

However, for every Philosophy Tube or Contrapoints, with theatrics to blend with critical thinking skills.

You get trash.

And most YouTube, is that copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.

So now, you’re stuck with weirdos ranting about things being “woke”. Not having the critical thinking skills why a Black Ariel could be casted in a movie, and why it matters. Why Barbie is able to explain Toxic Masculinity in a funny, witty, abstract setting with a Toy IP.

But instead, the Internet gotta Internet. Barbie will get the conservative cultural babydicks get mad enough to replicate a circa 2009 AVGN episode, right down to burning Barbie Dolls. Balding Grown Adults saying “I can’t believe I have to watch this movie” the same way Chris Bores or Game Dude would be quoted saying nearly a decade ago.

And what happens? We get the wrong idea. Hollywood now thinks you want Toy IP movies, so I hope you’re excited about Pound Puppies with Aubrey Plaza, Rubik’s Cube with Paul Rudd, and Playdoh Barbershop with the voice of JK Simmons, with a guest appearance by The Island Boys from TikTok.

And for us, we can’t be any critical of the film, without that fear of sexism. Hey, the sets are great, hey the soundtrack is good (Who doesn’t love listening to Pink by Lizzo?) and the casting is superb. But, the concept of Barbieland is a little broken, in terms of who is the one building the world. As America Ferrara is a grown adult, yet they have children’s scribbles in certain parts of the world, including the non-troversial map of the world.

Is it worth the hype? Certainly! It’s not another fucking superhero movie! But please see Blue Beetle, because forget what we just posted on the Internet about being sick of superhero movies, this is different! Spider-verse is great! But I forget what happened, and that’s the next issue.

Going back to the “consume, vomit, consider vomit” theory.

That’s what all media industry wants from you.

Please hype yourself up for the next Star Wars Project. It’s Andor, wait no, Ahshoka, no wait Mandolorean Season 3! Wait no it’s a marvel thing on Disney Plus.

For a hot moment this year, Disney had The Haunted Mansion, Elemental and Indiana Jones, but the talk was all Barbie!

And the writers strike, because oh no, the stars of these movies aren’t currently playing a tiresome game with Jimmy Fallon or being in. Hidden Camera skit on Jimmy Kimmel for the attempt at “Viral Ability”

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK ABOUT COLBERT IN THIS TRYING TIME? NOBODY IS TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT! ALL THESE QUESTIONS ABOUT HOT DOG BEING A SANDWICH IS ALL GOING TO WASTE!

Where we were? Oh yeah, movies. Nobody watches them for fun anymore. You’re going to offer your take. You’re going to make that video essay, you’re going to letterboxd. And that’s if you even bother watching.

Most likely, you’re going to see clips on Tumblr through GIFs, see the memes like the “Ken’s Mojo Dojo Casa House” and just get the jist.

You don’t need to watch it anymore, you can play it in the background of your TV, while you’re on your phone doomscrolling X, saying “that’s it I’m leaving this place for Blue Sky” (or threads, but I’m not a brand LMAO) and after a few minutes of nobody replying to you, go back to X.

You can also be in your discord server, you can watch a movie, WHILE in your 18+ porn server looking at all the latest kinky photos, yaoi fanart, or fanfics where your OTP bone each other, and sidetrack easily.

It’s at this time, I want to say to fanfic writers out there – I know you’re trying. But many of you are bad at world building, really bad at character building, and don’t really go into the foreplay and just assume every character has a pornstar quality libido (and butt hole, given you just go straight into the cockshoves)

Things that will always hold true online – edgelords who are isolated in the real world, really want to murder a children’s character (it used to be Barney, now it’s Bluey), and at some point in adolescense, teenagers will do a “penguinz of doom” moment, but use it with a cartoon, invader zim of the past leads to Voltron: Legacy Defender of the later past, and the She-Ra of early recent to today when it’s… probably Superman? Who knows?

Television, and in many ways, cartoons, have also changed.

Newgrounds is somehow still around, but most animation is YouTube, including Homestar Runner, animation still hasn’t changed as we have such great ideas like “cartoon character says slurs”, “little devil says hey you fucking fucking mother fucking fucks!”, and “original idea based on hanging with my friends, or a podcast I listen to”

Podcasts? That’s just right there with the sports take guys and politics takes from earlier. I don’t care if you’re a fan of Critical Role or McElroy Bros or Welcome to Nightvale – it’s just background noise from the harsh reality of the real world. It’s there to listen to while you’re nodding off to bed (if you’re my podcast) or if you’re wanting to create your own mega-binge where you listen, while looking up a fan wiki of “lost media” (that’s not lost, just not on YouTube) while in the middle of a loading sequence on Fortnite.

And that’s IF you play the game.

Just like how you don’t need to watch the movie to understand, and television is just disposable. Video games are just forgettable.

The reason people buy games is to content create.

It’s now about twitch streaming it so you can get ahead of the curve (along with the 20,000 other streamers playing the same game at the same time)

Or, maybe go the let’s play path, so you can play the game as fast as possible. Maybe talk over how “this is your game of the year” until weeks later, when it’s something else.

Hey, remember that hot moment when streamers REALLY wanted to play Hogwarts? And when there was discourse with trans gamers boycotting, was met with the BUT I NEEEEEEEED IT. Well, hey, motherfuckers, are you still playing it, or did you uninstall it so you had the room on your computer to play Baldur’s Gate?

There is a recurring segment on “a podcast” called third person reviews, where I do such a thing. There is no need for me to play most video games these days. I could watch the story of Resident Evil Village, see people play Jackbox Party Pack with people who have more friends than I ever will, get into Modern Warfare 2 online battles and so much more.

I don’t have to put the effort to complete a game, others can do it for me, and if you look hard enough – some will even be quiet during it!

And this lead to me lurking all over the web and seeing the thoughts everybody had on so many things, from video games to movies and so on.

I’m not saying I’m an expert, but Internet is very fickle, and many opinions are REALLY stupid.

Game Journalism is inherently broken, as the days of print is now online, must-runs that were paid by publishers have now been given to Twitch Streamers to say “oh wow, cool” only to never play that game again after the sponsored stream, and months later admit they thought it was boring.

But please don’t tell the publisher In case they get another bag of money for the next stream.

You aren’t getting a truthful opinion of the game, you’re getting an infomercial.

Or, you aren’t getting a truthful opinion, your getting a AVGN clone paid by conservative think tanks to try and get idiots to find “I identify as an attack helicopter” jokes still funny in 2023.

Or, you’re getting people, like me, who never saw the thing, but Internet lurking enough can let me fill in the gaps of just about everything. Cruel Summer is a horror movie song, that’s also a forgettable Freeform show, that’s not irony poisoned like that eurobeat guy trying to do the new “what does the fox say” in an attempt at streamer plays by the obnoxious guy in high school trying to be funny to their friends to be likable, but it coming across as obnoxious.

Don’t worry, it used to be Weird Al and Ben Colder. It’s just a evergreen type of guy.

Is this a confession? Absolutely. But, I also know people really don’t know what movie they just saw, why that skit from “I think you should leave” was funny, or the appeal of K-Pop besides “pretty boy group” and “pretty girl group”

I’m not saying I’m thing to cliff notes every piece of media out there, that’s impossible. But “your favorite show” is only your temporary hyperfocus, until that next show comes along.

Are we still stuck on The Last of Us? Or are we all moved on to Stranger Things again? Maybe it’s Poker Face? I recall that was talked about, maybe it’s star wars again? Oh wait, no it’s anime. And it’s Trigun Stampede, wait no, it’s Jujitsu Kaisen again, wait no Spy x Family, wait no, we are back on One Piece, wait no there ya a new Dragon Ball movie and IT’S THE BEST ANIMATED FILM EVER MADE, wait no that’s Spiderverse. Wait no that’s Super Mario Brothers.

EVERYTHING IS A FIVE OUT OF FIVE.

We’ve gotten so terrible at this focusing thing, sludge videos are showing up where it’s a podcast clip over footage of an app game like subway surfers, next to a viral video of a cat accident, next to an ad for some wish.com ass Tupperware containers.

And I get it, content is growing and growing. There are dozens of YouTubers you haven’t gotten around to watching their newest video, episodes of podcasts, games you haven’t gotten around to playing but bought in a backlog, and 5 streaming services you have but haven’t watched anything in months.

It's overkill, and trying to figure out meaning, and depth and skills, it’s challenging.

It’s way easier to see the ugly CGI baby scene in “The Flash” without having to watch hours of terrible CGI elsewhere.

And don’t tell anybody – that’s Blue Beetle as well. But it’s too late. They are overworked at the bleep bloop factory and the PS3 quality suits are the best you’ll get.

It'll be fixed by the time it’s on streaming, unless it’s pulled from streaming. Do people still buy movies these days?

Hollywood has turned into the Funko Pop economy where everything is an IP that must have marketing ability in shirts and figurines, and that cult audience without the reason why.

We’ve seen how cheaper it is to just AI everything, from that ugly Secret War intro to that Fallout TV show promo. Artists are suffering, and somewhere, a wanna be “ entrepreneur” trying to hustle-mindset is AI generating art (stolen from artists) and selling it at commissioned rates.

Fiver that short story that I’m running in Chat GPT. HUSTLE AND GRIND SET…. While the writers and actors are striking over fears talent will lose to computers, just like every other industry.

And, I don’t think we’re done. I think that’s going to continue online more and more. Because as computers lack the ability to understand nuance, and literacy. So does the users consuming the content at the moment.

The computer might see “onion rings” and think the fried snack, or it might think the rings of a half onion, or in a fucked up way – jewelry with an onion bulb in place of a jewel.

But not much else. Not the location, not something clever like a giant onion ringing a doorbell. Just the simplest ideas for the dumb baby generation.

We watch marvel movies to see a fight sequence, a hacky line like “well that just happened”, and a teaser for the next movie that does the same thing. Not to be “pandered to” or have deep, political conversations, this isn’t the X-Men, this is Thanos Is Grimace.

To which, I beg you, please watch something else. Power Rangers has had this MCU model locked down for decades, you get floppy shit and comebacks, and as a bonus – cheap CGI as well! You also get practical effects like fireworks! Even today!

Or, maybe watch pro wrestling, I don’t know if we’re still boycotting WWE for the Saudi Deal (remember that? It’s just like when we all left X!) but hey, Bloodline is great, LA Knight is great, or give AEW a try, they have a match where they fight in a sports stadium! They also have a story where two jerks become friends and go to Outback Steakhouse.

Or, you could always do what I do – becomea very jaded and bitter person on the Internet that the only thing that brings you joy is game shows, a genre of television that will only slowly die off the more reliant we are to streaming services and less those services are in need of daily episodes of The Price is Right.

While you have a backlog of podcasts, video games and movies to get around to, but I’m do the Internet will tell you it’s th

e best or the worst and not go any further than that. BECAUSE WHY BOTHER