Rest

Last Tuesday, I voted and thought that was gonna be the end of it... But then borderline happened...

I grew up in the area, so it's very heartbreaking to see my city in the national spotlight, and reading Twitter of friends heartbroken because they know somebody who was there, or a friend of a friend...

I thought that was it, it couldn't get worse, but then we had the wildfire...  

 For a good week, I had this in drafts, trying to figure out what to say in regards to not one, but two tragedies, thoughts and prayers? That's not good enough....

Obviously, we need gun reform. If it was me, I would ban it all so only military can use them, not even police... HOWEVER, allow them for hunting in sport (under designated zones) and have gun ranges be for rentals, so give them automatics, fuck, give people flame throwers! Anybody who had to gun, tries to look cool and take selfies, and try to look badass on YouTube... When in actuality, they look like dorks trying to do Boondock Saints fanfilms.

We need a huge surge in mental health in this country, not just with our veterans (and I think it's a disservice, especially because veterans day happened, to just throw them back into civilian life, expecting them to reassemble, it's nearly impossible) We need to make sure the vets are taken care of, as well as ourselves. There is still a stigma in this country about therapy, PTSD and depression. There is still this "men don't cry" attitude, and "facts don't care about your ffeelings" that jeopardizes the need to discuss emotions and feelings... It's these kind of people who try and act tough, who hold back, that become isolated and start to seek destruction, because that's the only "emotion" a macho dude could have, it seems... And it's not just incorrect, it's dangerous! We can all get better in this!

Finally, the wild fire, I was sleep deprived when the fire hit, and got evacuated twice. I had nowhere to go, and spent the night inside the back of the car, unsure of what would happen, conserving my energy and phone energy just to make it through... I am lucky enough to have survived, and my home in one piece, and I thank the VCFD, The Police for Crowd Control, and the Fire fighters all over this state, and across the country fighting these flames... It's really upsetting going "that's where i went to Blockbuster Video and picked up Sonic 2 for the first time" and "that's where I went to high school" and "I had a friend who lived up there!" And all these memories flashing over at once... I'm lucky, but unfortunately, others weren't. I hope their houses are rebuilt, and they have places to stay. Many animals are still sheltered, and I hope they see their families real soon. So many people wondering if it's safe to go home, and there is still uncertainty, until the winds stop.  I'm glad I made it, I just put away my duffel bag of clothes, hoping I don't get a siren and bullhorn from the police telling me to leave, as I'm in danger.

Which leaves me to, right now... I'm fine, emotionally, still a wreck, but it's a work in progress...

As we are near the end of 2018, I am trying to come up with positive things that happened for me, eventful things creatively, yeah, I did a podcast, yeah, I HAD a twitch show... but that seems to be just it. I haven't improved creatively, I'm still unsure if I'm a writer, a host, or an actor... I don't want to be a pundit, but yet, I have this idea for a YouTube show, but i don't know if it's good or not, and I'm holding off... but I feel it might be too late. I know I'm way more creative than that. But it feels, at least to me, that I'll never get there. I write here to vent, but also to get inspired... And I just hit that creative crash.

 For self care, I am just exercising a bit while watching the price is right and let's make a deal, they are both feel good shows, but i know I could be doing something, but my mind isn't going anywhere... It's a bit lost, to say the least.

And now, I found out the passing of Stan Lee. As this was almost done. I never met him. I know who he was, I know his impact. I saw the cameos. I saw him as someone even bigger than Walt Disney, a guy who was excited to talk about his characters and their adventures as he was the moral lessons involved. His passing has went waves to comic book fans all across the world, and he got to see his creations (along with Ditko and Kirby) become epic Blockbuster movies, and have llongevity and immortality... 

It's never too late, he never got his break until his 40s, and it's something to think about, rather you're a guy about to hit 30 thinking "well I sure e fucked up" or an energetic kid in their early 20s. I still think anything is possible, I still think there is hope out there, and good things can and will happen, not just to me, but to all of us, we just have to discover what they are.

I don't know what that is for me, quite yet, I still think I have talent in certain areas, but it's always very difficult to show off, let alone explain. 

But something tells me, given this economy, it's best used as "a hobby" and not something to cash on... (insert sigh here)

Maybe that's why we rest, that's why we recover, we all need breaks sometimes, to let us know we are human, and catch our breath, and try and figure out, what exactly our goals are? 

I'm still finding mine.