A Sleep Deprived Rant


 I should probably note I'm actually a much better writer than whatever it is I'm going to write in the next twenty minutes.

As is the case, Thanksgiving Week, much like these Winter months, just makes the sad slumps worse.  There's a multitude of reasons, marketing for families, while mine is very limited, The daylight savings time messes with my equilibrium, the arguments you get just because somehow arguments are needed, and then for me, and I've had this feeling for the longest time, a feeling of hopelessness.

I think the next year will be better, maybe this will be the year, I do something exciting, maybe this is the year I'm in a project I'm happy about, maybe this year, I'll write that book, or finish that screenplay, and even if I do, why bother? I just crash and burn. The other things, the things to look forward to, the dream gigs, the stuff I'd like to do, I feel like I'm out of time, out of my league, or over my head. 

And no matter how many times I say "but are you satisfied?" or "but you aren't putting yourself in that box, you could still do anything", it just hits me, just a bit worse.

I exercise, but I know I'm not "ripped", I'm not one of these Instagram models, or REALLY good cosplayers (like holy cow, they are good!) And I originally exercised to stop cramping, and feeling depressed, but I don't know if it's working now. (And no, I don't fall in line with the pumpkin spice, turkey, peppermint trend that hits this year), and I'm trying NOT to compare myself to others (I'm the first Jordan, not a second anybody else) but what happens is,  then there is that chance, that people like me. They actually think I'm attractive. And I don't know how to take the compliment.

I'm not trying to be flirty, it's really bad. I think after all these years of trying to figure out who I am, and so much sself-deprecation in my comedy and writing, it caused me to lose my ability to love myself. So when I see something like "you are cute" or "hey handsome", I know it's a sign you want to flirt with me, or just give me a compliment, but in my head I'm going "they are kidding, it's a joke, nobody likes you"

And I think in doing so, I have pushed away so many people. I give off the appearance that I am either too good for you, or I have this wall to protect myself, because anything could harm me.

(This counts as a therapy session right?) 

So, this feeling of unloved, and nobody around to feel this sense of love and belonging, or even a "you matter", it does hurt. So many cool things I'd love to do, but I lack the finances (I can't afford SDCC, sorry!)  

Sometimes I talk myself out - "I have claustrophobia of people, I can't stand large crowds" (which is true, my biggest random anxiety, despite being able to public surreal and be on stage no problem)  

But I know it's multiple reasons, transportation, it's too far away, it's financial, I can't afford it (seriously, how can you afford a Disneyland Annual Pass?!?), and it's just distance. 

The ironic part is being in LA, where everything is a drive away, but Uber and Lyft are how you mostly get around (and those are still pricy) 

And so, you feel isolated, you feel lost, and you try and find ways to cope with this sadness.

For me, I try and get lost in creative, I write stories, I create game show formats, I try and watch as much as I can, read as much as I can, try and learn the pieces. 

However, when I just run out of ideas, I crash, and that's the "creative crash" that is the cause of many sad slumps (I don't call it depression, depression is more serious, in my mind, I don't think I've hit that yet - possible hypomania maybe) 

Or in some cases, you just can't do stuff that you enjoy, my computer is very show and laggy, that I just can't live stream anymore without a really bad delay or lag, or just 7fps, so I'm trying to save up to get one, maybe an imac, just to get back into editing and writing that way (PC gaming is fine, but I just lost interest)

I'm not saying I'm bad with money, but I do know when there is a sad slump, some people do "retail therapy" to feel better.  But around Black Friday? That doesn't help. 

I bought Hitman 2, Red Dead Redemption 2 and Tetris Effect. 

That is over $160 spent in such short time, and while there was this feeling of "instant gratification", I just thought to myself "I just blew my entire computer savings for this" 

And I still spent money on lightning deals, because burnout paradise, or extending a membership, and it's just... ugh. I think this might have been intentional, and I'm annoyed in myself for purchasing for that one moment of excitement, but also annoyed it's all happening right now, at a time I am trying to improve. I am pretty sure I'll be in debt by the end of December, but I hope I have enough lined up soon, I don't want to be in the red.

Anyway, in place of what I'm watching, I'll just do some quick reviews of these games and call it a night, before trying to sleep. 

Hitman 2 is very fun, I love a nice sandbox where they want you to try and do new things in the same scenario and location, it provides more of the same, but I know it's one of those games I need to strategize better, I'm bad at stealth, and this game is no exception. 

Red Dead Redemption 2 is okay, I see why people enjoy the horses, but I think I'm just getting tired with open world games doing the same "go from x to y" while an event occurs. I understand that's a very core principle of gaming, but I think go somewhere, do a crime, come back, it's tiring at least for me, it's good, I enjoy the customizing and the story, and trying to play on the "good side" of the law. 

Tetris Effect  reminds me of Rez, but with Tetris, I think it's the asethic, mixed with music and beats, sometimes I am overwhelmed with the theming and I do get anxiety and headaches and that's not even if a s block is in the field. However, others are very calming and make me feel much better to get lost in. I enjoy it just in a sense of meditation, in the form of video game.

I don't know what's next for me yet, I still have a month and a half left in this year, but hey, feel free to invite me over to your  podcast. I'll try and get a better headshot. 

 i don't know if I'll ever be successful, but I hope to be satisfied with that result.

anyway, I gotta try and end this bummer of an article on a fun note - umm... Apparently Panda Express has hot chicken now? That's pretty sweet. 

I'll try and eat those mini cinnabon and a whole pizza tomorrow to feel better.