That statement, is not really controversial to anybody who has known me for the better half of 30 years. Professional Wrestling is fantastic. It’s live theater, acrobatics, and if done correctly, can outdo almost any form of storytelling out there - problem is most of it is terrible.
But there are hundreds of promotions out there. Yes, there is WWE, which is all things considered the top tier, lots of fantastic talent is over there. It’s just been a hot mess for a long time. That’s why you see so many lose interest, go over to places like All Elite Wrestling, Impact, ROH or overseas to places like New Japan.
I recently saw Wrestle Kingdom 15 and really enjoyed it, how can you not enjoy any wrestling event that has a music video build up like this?
It feels like I am looking at a humanized version of a NEO GEO Arcade Cabinet, and I am ready to insert as many quarters into the cabinet to play whatever fighting game this is.
I also finished up a book by The Young Bucks called “Exposing The Business” which felt like a great story of their career from kids play fighting on the playground, to working indies (which i may or may not have visited) to Bullet Club ticking away to their final moments before going to All Elite Wrestling.
It was a great story, not just because of their stories about a working class family, and the real hardship of professional wrestling. But it’s ability for you to connect their story to any aspect in your life as well.
Yes, I do create-a-wrestlers, create what would I be in “The WWEUniverse” or my gimmick characters, thinking about all the people who go to the NJPW Dojo or just about every wrestling school around, you can learn lucha, or you can learn technical, or just that ol’ school style.
But me? I am 6’2”, I am 31, and as far as i know, I have barely passed physical education since first grade. I am by no means qualified to be a professional wrestler. But I guess, there is no need to be, the world has decided to be one giant, crappy wrestling promotion.
Over a decade ago, I was poking fun at internet reviewers wearing fedoras saying “fuck you” to a DVD Copy of a movie, and now - that seems to be the mainstream way of handling yourself online. Just replace “Howard the Duck” with everything from “Disney Star Wars” to “Should We Have a Green New Deal?”
We have weirdos in fuzzy hats and facepaint storm the U.S. Capital Building and trying to overthrow a democracy, because the president of the united states decided to cut a really shitty wrestling promo about the democrats, as if it’s a heel faction of degenerates.
And the democrats? Instead of falling for the most basic of kayfabe, decided to make their entire gimmick “The West Wing Fan Fiction” where they try and say words like “We are united against a common enemy” and “We will hold you accountable” and “For the good of the people”.
These promos all sound like build-up to a really shitty match that I have no plans on spending money on Pay-Per-View to see.
It’s weird how the mainline angle of AEW is an invasion angle with Impact Wrestling, and as you might have guessed the “invasion” are the bad guys, meant to be booed by the audience. In fact, there is a faction RIGHT NOW in WWE, called “Retribution” that was originally a gimmick of Antifa (Anti-Fascism) and Vince McMahon’s fear of them in the summer, but now is just “yet another stable of generic bad guys”, including a guy by the name of T-BAR. That’s the nickname they are going to call him? No something like Anthony “T-Bar” Bartholomew or anything to make it seem like they thought of it for more than a minute.
As you can see, WWE really has short-term memory loss, and can’t really hold an angle, the more it’s viewers decide it’s better to just watch Twitch videos of a guy playing League of Legends for three hours is enough to tie them over for entertainment quality.
And even then - the invaders are the bad guys.
So I find it very puzzling, in any level, that you would have invaders storm a capital building over an U.S. Election, which on that day was nothing more than going “Well all 50 states have certified all 50 of their elections and this is the end results”, and having one group of people go “yeah okay, i want to go to brunch” and the other playing the most annoying wrestling villain promos out there about “it’s rigged and it’s not real” not because they believe it - but so the cartoon character president doesn’t send an internet troll personal army after them.
It’s really ridiculous and I do wish Washington D.C. would stop with these annoying promos - but as it turns out, that’s all they can do. And they have to defend the heels doing the stuff, just to continue staying in power. There isn’t really a gray area in this to sort-out. It really is just a sort of “was that a good thing to do? yes or no?” The rules say it’s not, but you can bend the rules, screw it, use the steel chair when the ref isn’t looking.
Wrestling has really simple storylines - the good guys play by the rules, represents decency. the bad guys break the rules, and follows a gimmick based on a repulsive trait (egotistical, greedy, self-serving, etc.) And the idea is simply - you want the good guy to prevail over the bad guy, because of a morality lesson.
But unfortunately, people still want to live in that 1990s-era of wrestling where they can be the NWO or Attitude Era. And just drink a beer and stunner “Mr. McMahon”, while thinking he really drove a beer truck to the ring and sprayed the corporate faction with beer, unplanned, and intentionally.
Anyway, we have become more and more like wrestlers, even if we don’t ever intend to me.
I mean, it’s understandable - build a personality online that will get people to like you. Focus on the 3 or 4 SEO metrics that people understand about you, and work on building that as yourself until you burn yourself out. (or join a hype house, but why would you do that?)
I try my hardest to really not be “a character online”, even though many, many times it I fail, especially on my podcast, FUN TIME CALLS where one moment, I try and get angry at The McElroy Brothers, and then the next moment, become a cartoon supervillain talking about children not deserving Nickelodeon, to then the next where I am the voice of reason over a really bad pitch for a prank show.
It’s tough being seen in multiple dimensions, some people just do a snap judgement and go “annoying pompous asshole” (or straight white male) while others maybe know me from one of the multiple SEO data points (“Video Games” because of Kirby and Jigglypuff, “Hamburgers” because of Goodnight Hamburgers posted on Twitter, “Nightwing” because of my constant posting about the DC Comics Character, “Game Shows” because of my podcast about game shows, or even just “Comedy” because apparently, people think I am actually funny!)
If I wanted to be being a faux-character of myself, I would probably go into professional wrestling and live my best Kayfabe self. But personally, I feel it’s better to just be honest, and be myself. Even if it means sadposting at weird hours, retweeting photos of kirby and then saying two sentences about how “Name That Tune is pretty fun, and I enjoyed it”
So, I decided to try my hand at doing some STAND UP COMEDY, the way it was always intended for a man of my calibur and status - to an empty crowd and without any rehearsal or engagement on rather or not the jokes were funny or if they land.
GET READY FOR JORDAN HASS :MASKS OFF
Bringing that “unique brand of comedy” to the world’s stage - a youtube video next to a video of ducks at a lake, and a compilation of every time a reactionary conservative says “auntie fuh”
I might not ever be a professional wrestler, but considered we are all delivering unpolished garbage, quote tweeting snark against each other like it’s WWE Raw and we sprayed POOPIE on JBL’s Limo. This is how the world unfortunately works now.
Maybe I’ll just continue making stupid videos like this again, maybe I will look up wrestling schools and training facilities to figure out how to land a missile dropkick safely. Who knows? My back hurts just thinking about it. BUT THEN I COULD WALK DOWN THE AISLE TO “AVOCADO BABY” BY LOS CAMPESINOS! AND HAVE A GIMMICK OF CALIFORNIA BURNOUT AND AND AND AND
I’m getting tired.