Just thought I would jump into the personal blog to start writing for a few minutes to let you know how it’s going.
FIRST - THE MOVE
I finally made it to Burbank. My neighbors are great, the place is very walkable. I was able to low-key get an AMC A-List and go see a few movies (You Can See Everything & Street Fighter) and walk home a little blasted (but obviously safe so its not public intoxication and disturbing the peace). Burbank really does feel like a place for thrifting and reuse, I have met so many of the local politicians (Konstantine saw me when I was moving in, which is funny to me, like, oh hey mayor of Burbank!) And I was able to meet people with the local DSA-LA chapter.
I am finally a home owner, which means everything is now unfortunately though me - but the property tax and insurance is included, so I am not THAT worried, it is actually cheaper than the other place.
However, “Can I afford to stay here” is still a question where the answer is simply “I do not know”
There was a gas leak a couple weeks ago, there was sewage backing up, pipes that were corroding, and I did have to spend a bit of money to make sure it was all taken care of - I did not want the house to flood and all my possessions to get damp, It was really sad when that happened with my moms things as a kid, equal to when the estate people stopped by and had to haul most things away.
They can not fix the door frame, and it makes me really sad. REALLY really sad. I got a near-concussion bonking my head, and I don’t want that happening to friends or anybody. i feel like i was decieved, like my trust is broken.
I have so many problems with this place, and it is still very isolation. The best way to describe this place is the exact feeling I had when at Anime Expo and Disneyland - fun to go alone, but also very isolating.
SECOND - THE DEPRESSION
Financially Speaking, I think we are near the end. Like, out of money “the end”. I have a few bits of money saved up here and there, but. man it is not going to be easy the next few months.
I have done therapy sessions, group chats, and even called the 988 hotline. It has only been temporary.
With no family - I know Thanksgiving will be really sad this year. I know Christmas, which was my moms favorite day of the year, even moreso. I miss my mom every day. Every time I had a fun adventure, like Little Tokyo or going to Universal Citywalk, I know my mom would have been happy.
For Halloween this year, much like 4th of July - I am going to a convention. LA Comic Con. I am not really making any plans except for the Bang Zoom Open Auditions (which is kind of silly, because they are literally on my street and also I have a few classes with them anyway through Adventures in Voice Acting)
There have been multiple times in the last months, I have “thought about doing it”, the thing that somehow gets your posts censored on social media. Lots of reasons why (confidence in the company, financials, the continuous grief of losing mom, the news in general) and what has stopped me was two things - Voice Over and Writing.
I am not saying “wow, I am just great at voice acting and I can’t wait to do this and this”, because I probably suck these days. It’s been a long ass time, except for podcasting. But I just want at least a few opportunities or at least auditions before I shut down that chapter for good.
The other thing was my plan from 2019 - The Game Shows, I Suppose Book. I really want to write a book about game shows,. with this same writing style as you are seeing now. A bit run-on and syntax error and stream of conciousness, but somebody needs to write about some really dumb stupid things about this genre. Like Baskin-Robbins having a Wheel of Fortune Flavor in the 1990s, “Pepsi Play For a Billion” with Drew Carey and that one time CBS did the US Import of “Hunted” and a team just got caught because they were hanging at a Taco Bell.
Just really silly observations I have recalled over the years from the podcast, and enough snarky silly to keep it fun.
Earlier This Week, I spent money on a book about game shows, AND IT WAS NOT GOOD!
Legitimately, there are only two things keeping me together, and both are creative outlets where I will probably fail and suck at both of them.
I want things to get better, I really do, but every day, it is like “i don’t want to be here anymore” and then “but what about this book”
I am just very sad, these days.
THREE - JORDAN MAKES BAD FINANCIAL DECISIONS
I did buy a new gaming computer, I did buy a voice booth, both of which on sale through that Amazon Day promotion. I bought new furniture. I got tickets to see Taskmaster at the Hollywood Bowl. And of course, booking Uber to some of these places from time to time.
I feel guilty, even though I am for most of the time, just walking everywhere. (and Public Transport is available!)
I am trying to keep budget at this point in time but holy shit, i am just so scared that I will run out of money and Taxes will be coming in and all that sad stuff. I don’t want to owe hundreds of thousands of dollars, or risk going to prison.
I don’t want to lead anybody astray at moms company. I just want my mind to not feel this terrible anymore.
I am trying to limit my finances to about $50 a day outside, I hope $1500 is enough to survive, but sometimes I get very scared that, No, it’s not. I know its very weird how I also ate everything at Chain recently and took Uber to every Barnes and Noble.
But I gotta be honest - I have not been really watching much stuff as I wanted to, nor playing video games, It has really been “go outside, and get home and maybe watch a youtube video then sleep”
I have been watching Jet Lag and Taskmaster, but also HEY I AM AMC A-LIST NOW, so that is somewhat cool as well, but i will see if I will actually use it.
People keep saying to be kind to yourself, but it is very tough, I feel guilty, doing stuff without her, the imposter syndrome with her company and then things like “What If I Want To Sell - Then What?” and get further upset.
They say it takes about a year, but my heart tells me its seven. I am far too broken at any time to day, sometimes I just cant get motivated. Other times, when I am, I burn out after a few hours. It’s pretty rough.
