Happy Birthday

March 1 was such a weird day for me to process. My mom was in the hospital and they wanted to discharge her.

My original plan for the next words was my thoughts on Disneyland and DCA.

And I'm sure I'll talk about it sooner or later, but a quick summary - Tiana's Place was good, the Spider-Man cast members were great, the Rise of the Resistance is the best ride, however most of the day I felt so much pain and was just waiting and no real help for Single Rider.

Lots of walking.

But when my mom returned, she was fine, but only for maybe a week, even with the routine going, it got worse and worse - the mortgage is now really high. (Impossible to Pay) And her initial at the hospital got worse and worse…

When she's asleep, and saying weird things, that's when I know something is bad.

We are in the middle of tax season (she's an accountant, mind you) and we haven't gotten any of the taxes done. And her clients have questions, but she's unavailable.

It's not good.

The doctor stopped by and said it is either back to the hospital to prolong the inevitable, or begin hospice care.

She picked hospice.

While I'm sure it will be helpful in the future, right now I'm just swamped with stuff I can't do at the moment, and when my mom does wake up, the oxygen on her brain is really high, so she's saying stuff like “you're the first part of my movie”

Doctors and Nurses all ask the same question - Any Friends and Family to help?

And, it's always sad to say “no, it's just me”

And when they ask “so what's your plan when she's gone” - because again, I simply put do not know.

Before the pandemic, I was pretty much hoping there was a world for me when I get back from caregiving. I was hoping it was gaming content (but G4 went under), I was going it was game shows (but most have moved to Georgia or Out of the Country), I was even hoping “maybe voice over and voice acting” but then all this AI garbage started showing up.

Article after article saying the Hollywood I knew, isn't there anymore. People I know who have big resumes, now asking around for work, and the “safety gig” having to stop by.

It makes things somehow even worse. When you know even with your own talent, it's not good enough.

The economy is bad, and honestly, I just blame Trump, Biden just brought a sponge to a flash flood, and it's no use. And I don't like the odds for whoever is the next person to fix this.

What we are now at is now a “well, then what?”

At the moment, I'm still mostly away from a computer (if not, somehow moreso now than ever) with trying to figure out how to handle hospice care, and how to make the plan.

Currently my plan is “well, sell the house and clear the debts” but everything else is just ambiguous.

Some days it's “well, then we move to the valley and keep the company going and I can go back to podcasting on the side, it's a give and take”

Other days, it's “just sell everything, every last thing, the moms office, all your possessions and just leave. Far away”

We have now reached the end game portion of this chapter of my life, and it sucks it continues to involve watching my mom suffer, and the hospital system being the primary culprit.

So much crying the last few days, so much worry about “what's next”, and where I belong.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth just writing about it in a script format. I know that's something people ask in therapy.

I know my mom wanted to look out for me, but I think her plans have also backfired immensely. I'm scared, she's scared.

And when you sacrifice so much as a caregiver, and you see that deteriorating over time, and you did everything you could. You feel like a failure. The end goal was to get get out of the house and see a beach one last time.

And mentally, I just don't see that happening.

I have told people in patreon my mental struggle, and also on my discord the updates. It just feels like an island.

And strangely enough, I feel like a contestant on survivor - hungry, tired, mentally exhausted, and disheveled (in growing a beard I didn't want, I need a shower, and I'm wearing the same shirt for a few weeks and it's wrinkled and wet and icky from sweat)

Only difference, everything feels like a blindside. Plus, no Jeff Probst.

Anyway, I'm going to try and hang in there. I hope things look better. But who knows.

I'll try and keep you all informed on the socials and on here.