I Love You, Mom

Don’t worry, this is a photo when she was still alive and still breathing.

Only doctors and hospice got the really icky photo.

As many of you know, because it has been the big talking point for six years at this point. I was caregiving for my mom. When she is gone, I will be truly alone, and for the last 6 years or so, I have been documenting every step. From her back pain during COVID to smoking and COPD to going to the hospital the first time, and every time thereafter, to April 2nd when she started hospice care after going to the hospital during my birthday, to, tonight.

My mom was a fighter, she did not have cancer, but every time she was sent to the hospital, she was given the weakest odds of survival, and bounced back, and this happened NUMEROUS times, including during hospice care. (She had kidney failure at one point, she had low oxygen at one point, and dehydration) and every time, she would just bounce back. On Saturday, she was fine, she was just a little sundowning, but nothing major - ate an egg mcmuffin and a tuna salad and then ordered stuff at the market.

Sunday, she was not feeling hungry, was just tired, but woke up needing water, but at night her heartrate was 192, the lowest dosages later, she was asleep but the BPM was still 200s, she was conked out, no water or food. Tuesday she was moaning, but she was okay, had water, went back to sleep, Wednesday, she was conked out again. Thursday (today) nothing…. just sitting there.

The nurse gave me an AOK to walk away, because, again, she’s asleep, nothing much, and this is a real anxious time (I’ll explain my meetings later) but when i came back, she was VERY blue in the same position, oxygen was still in, but her heart was not being picked up by a pulse oximeter, Shortly after, the hospice nurse returned and, yep. it happened. She passed away.

It was such a swing, to go from a “enjoyable day out” to this exact moment. My emotions are all over the place from “this sucks” to “will i be okay?” to “wait, that’s it?” and then feeling alone.

it’s just me now, and i’m very scared. I want to talk to a therapist, i want to podcast all my stuff (and truthfully, i tried but i have been sobbing)

This is the epilogue to the end game. I have so much stuff I need to do. So many arrands that need to be met. And eventually, I will probably return. I will try and post/write as often as I can, but, you can’t blame me if “i don’t feel like it”, right?

I hope to get back into creative writing, I hope now that “my time is free” i can finally do all these creative projects, maybe work in game shows, get back into comedy, try again at voice acting, just all of these outlets that were “frozen” during the big freeze.

My head still can’t process it all tonight, but my heart is telling me - she went out without suffering, and she went out on her own terms, and she would not leave unless she knew I can handle everything (or at the very least, enough to get people to HELP me if I don’t know)

This is really heartbreaking stuff, and i am still not ready to say goodbye, but I know she will be watching over me.

I love you mom, thank you, for everything.