Yes, I got my ears pierced and, yes I shaved my head, not buzzcut, but bald bald.
IS THIS A CRY FOR HELP?!?
I mean, yes, but also no.
You should know this by now - I'm a Chaotic Good on the D&D charts.
SO THE MOM DIED
And yes, I am still heartbroken, however, things do get better, I have friends who have helped me out, and continue to see people over time.
I still don't have ALL the answers, such as the slot machine but the choices are in the ballpark.
WHERE TO GO? - Solidifying Burbank, But Glendale, NoHo, Toluca Lake, Studio City are also on the table, I'm not fully locked.
WHAT TO DO? - You can do both! I am learning, very slowly (because it's tough) my mom's company has GREAT clients, really funny and nice people, and the “fuck around all over the city of Los Angeles” is still possible at the company.
It's a great secure job in a tough economy (although, tough economy does mean people retiring early and less clients, but I'm not at all upset by this decision)
My hope is to get that creative job, eventually. I learned at Anime Expo, I'm actually very good at voice acting. I know I can breathe better, and it's worth a second chance for old High School Jordan.
I will claw my way through Game Shows I Suppose : The Ill-Researched Guide To Game Shows over time. Because I know I love to write snarky shit, and why not my favorite genre of TV (I also applied for that Jeopardy Writer gig, but I failed the Anytime Test, I assume)
And finally, I have a patreon that I relaunched where I'm going through “CHEAP” video games - $5 or less titles! The Renter Market (game pass), free to play and do much more.
AND THE COMPANY - I'm just going to have faith the company will be okay, I have to have good people in the heavy side, and if I can make it so I can essentially do it from anywhere (digitize almost everything) I will be happier.
I am still holding my breath, but I hope it's sustainable.
NOW WHAT'S WITH THE BALD HEAD
Again, chaotic good. I haven't had a haircut in years, when I got the chance, it grew and the anxiety emerged.
I did it at a time when I was not balding, and still pretty youthful.
It's essentially something I'm trying to call - SELF CARE (and a routine)
Obviously, it's BOLD to do this, and striking, but now I have two options - continue to shave (and just pay for a shaver) or let it grow out.
And a Routine is VERY important for somebody going through grief, because then you can see what more you can do…. like brushing your teeth, taking a shower, eating.
I don't know if you know this - when she died I was just crying and tired most of the day.
IT WAS NOT A CRISIS SHAVE LIKE BRITNEY
however, the piercings were, well also not really.
Amanda, from Golden Moon Piercings has been an online friend (and somewhat “we run into each other constantly" in this city, and when she just opened up her business, I promised her, the moment things get better, I'm going in.
No, it did not hurt (Amanda is a fucking professional! Please stop going to the tattoo gun places)
And there was another routine - to clean gently to avoid irritation
Again, everything is a routine…. What does that mean next? Exercising? A Tattoo! WELL NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE
But it was again, for me.
I went though every grief therapy and counseling and some books, and the secret is… you need to take all the effort you took caring for your mom and now turn it on yourself.
Self Care helps, not just a “spa day”, but actually finding ways to build confidence and loving yourself.
If you love yourself, then you can rebuild the confidence of moving on “without her” (she will always be there, but this is like getting crazy glue)
My goals haven't really changed. Just my looks.
My aim is more minimalistic “black and white” approach.
I still have all those graphic tees and I'm going to probably lounge in then again.
But a good chunk of them are WORN OUT (it's been years)
I might as well do the New Year New Me right now, instead of something like January 1st.
I only hope people will love me, or will still love me.
